


You never loved me

by maxgaxiola



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, M/M, Rape, Sadstuck, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 15:08:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 37,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/663404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxgaxiola/pseuds/maxgaxiola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Dave go to the same private school, but in an AU where they're not friends from right off the bat, things get a little difficult. John has a crush on the intimidating Dave Strider, Events happen, and crushed, John doesn't trust anybody anymore. Now nineteen and seeing Dave again at College, things get really confusing</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love? Maybe?

John’s P.O.V

_Okay. So this might be a little weird. But I think I’m in love. Love like, actual love. Oh wow, where am I going with this? You see, I’m not a homosexual. Not really I don’t think. But there’s this guy. Yeah, this guy. He’s really tall, and cool, and kind of defiant. But I like that. He can stand up for himself and I can’t. I’m too scrawny and short and fall over my own feet._

_But this guy. He gets all the girls, he might fail a few classes, but he does it while looking cool. Can anyone do that? Well, not anyone I know._

_Anyway, back to love._

_His name?_

_Well, his name is Dave Strider. And I am his admirer. And I think I love him._

_He is my first actual crush, or love that I’ve actually had in a long time. There was this girl in second grade, but that didn’t last long._

_So, why do I bring it up? No real reason. I fantasize about him daily. And When I see him in the halls I blush, but try to hide it. I dream of confessing to him and him saying something cool like “Bro, I’ve always liked you too. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”_

_I dream of it. But I never do anything about it. Im too scared._

_What if he says no?_

_What if he shoves it back in my face?_

_So I just keep quiet._

_I have friends that are girls, Rose and Jade, Rose finds it obvious of my liking for Dave, but tells me to stay away. I do, I keep my distance. Jade on the other hand, Rose and I decided not to tell Jade._

It was at lunch, we have our own little table I’m usually first to get food. Food in a private school is pretty expensive, so you have to keep up with money. Going to a private school you have to keep up with money. My father is loaded, a national baker known in various countries. He flies out often to be on TV shows and to cook for famous people.

Rose sits down in the booth and opens her salad. Jade comes up and waves at us both, sitting next to Rose and opening her bottled coke.

The café never has fish, it’s like they banned it from the school knowing when I came it would be forbidden.

“No fish?” Rose asks.

“No, I couldn’t find any.”

“So you’re not going to eat?” Jade asks.

“No, I’m going to wait until I get home.”

Rose and Jade look at each other and both grab something from their plate and hand it to me. Rose hands me a Swiss roll, and Jade hands me a small strawberry cake. I smile, taking them “You don’t have to.”

“But we want to,” Rose says.

“I’ll be right back, I’m going to go get a fork,” I get up and head over to the condiments and utensil area, grabbing a fork.

“Hey, can you hand me a fork?” asks a male voice.

I turn and see only my crush, _Dave Strider_.

I blush a bright pink. He stands tall, taller than my short self anyway. He always wears his aviator shades in class and in lunch. I have never once seen his eyes. He wears his uniform, unbuttoned, and his dress shirt out. He defies all the rules.

“Fork?”

“Uh, sure!”

I grab a fork and hand it to him, he takes it and walks away.

I smile and return to my friends, the smile still on my face. Rose knows why, but Jade is curious.

“Why are you so smiley?” she asks

“Oh no reason.”

“Did he even say _thank you_?” Rose asks, interrupting my thoughts.

I come back to reality and look at her, “Well, no.”

“Who?” Jade wants to know.

“It’s nobody, and he’s an asshole by the way.”

I furrow my eyebrows “No he’s not, he just probably forgot to say thank you.”

“How do you forget to say something that causes you good manners?”

“Who?” Jade is interested.

“It’s nothing, drop it.” Rose says.

We basically eat in silence now, only Rose and I, but Jade keeps talking about her Chem lab and her career project.

“So what are you going to do your career project John?” Jade asks.

I look up, I know what I want to be, but I don’t say it. I shrug. “I don’t know, I might just fail it.”

“What?! Growing up and finding a job is something that is a must! You must have something in mind, right?”

I don’t want to nod, but I do. Now this gets Jade interested.

“Well, what is it? Even if it’s just a thought, it could be something much more!”

“Um, a hair dresser?”

Jade and Rose smile, “Aw you want to be hair dresser?” Jade says a little too loudly.

I put my finger to my lips and shush her, “It’s only a thought! Now be quiet.”

“Why are you ashamed of it?” Rose asks.

“I don’t know, most males who go into that field are.. gay.”

“And?” Rose asks.

I shrug, “I don’t know, I’m not gay.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a straight male going into that field, so if you pursue that I’m all for it,” Rose says.

“Me too!”

Lunch is over and we hear the chimes. We all dump our plates and stack our trays. We say our goodbyes since none of us have the same class next. I walk into the rush of people getting to point A to point B and get to my classroom with ease. I sit in the back, and watch the door for Dave. He sits near the back and usually puts his head down with his ear buds in. He’s failing World History, I know this because sometimes I grade the tests.

He comes in  and heads back to his seat, already swiftfully getting out his iPod and putting in his ear buds and putting his head down. Class starts and the only thing on my mind is: _I wonder what he listens to all during class?_

Class is over and I gather my things, moving to my next class. But as I start to move away from my desk all I feel is a hand grab my arm. I turn to see Dave holding my arm. I wonder what he wants, goes along with that thought is a blush.

“Boys bathroom, _now_ ,” Is all he says and leaves.

My eyes widen and I wonder what this sudden outburst is for, he has never talked to me in the two years I have been at this school. I clutch my binder to my chest and adjust my backpack on my back, heading towards the boys bathroom close-est to this classroom.

I find it and enter, I see Dave standing with his arms crossed over his chest and looking at me through his taunting aviator shades. I gulp and step a little closer to him.

“Why are you always looking at me? For two years I had to put up with your stares and now I want to know, stalker.”

My heart collapsed, _Stalker? Im not a stalker. I admire you_. But I couldn’t get the words out. “I-I..”

I hung my head down, wanting to cry, wanting to leave, wanting to disappear.

“Well?”

“I like you, I really like you.”

“Oh? Perhaps love?”

I gulp, my eyes watering up, “Yeah..” I say just above a whisper.

He smirks and steps towards me, tilting my head up. Tears roll down my cheeks and he pouts, “Don’t cry, I like you too.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, come to my house after school and I’ll show you how much I like you.”

My heart began to flutter. He likes me? He wants me to come to his house? What will he show me? Will he show me my year book picture with a heart around it like I’ve done to his?

I smile, and he smiled back, “Okay.”

Dave gets out a pen and writes his address down on my hand, “I’ll see you after school, okay?”

I nod, excited.

Dave leaves, and I slide down onto the bathroom floor, looking at the address, smiling. _He likes me_.


	2. Filled with absolute pleasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes over Dave's house, things don't go as they seem and things happen within the Strider house. Dave, is not a good person at heart.

John’s P.O.V

_I was happy all day, though I didn’t have Dave in any of my two last period classes, I had Rose in my last period of the day. I couldn’t help but tell her how happy I was. And she couldn’t help but throw it right back in my face._

“Don’t go.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “Why not?”

“It doesn’t sound safe? That’s why.”

“It’s totally safe, he likes me.”

“That’s the problem, he’s just going to use you like he _uses_ women.”

“No, those are all rumors.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Your hallucinating, you’re insane if you think he’s going to be different.”

I had a disgusted look on my face and Rose could see it, “Well, I’m still going. And you’re wrong.”

“I know I’m not wrong, you should really consider your options.”

“He likes me and that’s that.”

“I thought you said you weren’t homosexual?”

“I don’t know if I am or not, I just have feelings for Dave.”

“Who’s an asshole.”

“No he’s not.”

“The guy didn’t even say thank you when you handed him a utensil.”

“So?”

“So he doesn’t understand the concept of _manners_.”

The bells chime and I grab my bag angrily, and sling it over my shoulder. Rose has a look of concern on her face but I’ll be just fine. “I’ll talk to you after school, after I go see Dave.”

“John.”

“What?”

“..Be careful.”

I don’t say anything and leak out into the rush of people trying to get home. Whether it be from car or bus, I always walk home. But today I’m going to Dave’s house. I’m full of excitement and nothing can get me down. I look at my hand for the address and I’m not really good with finding people’s houses. That’s why GPS’ were invented.

I know he gets picked up, but I don’t know by who.

I find it after about an hour of walking, and about two times of getting lost. I look up at the apartment and go inside, going up to the elevator and pressing the top floor. He’s down the hall and to the right, room 206C.

I stand in front of the door and hesitate to knock.

_God._

_Please let this be Dave’s house._

_And not some creepy old guy who wants me to come in and have some cake._

I knock and the door opens, Dave standing against the door frame, smiling.

“Hey,” he says.

I flush a bright pink and he can see it, he leans in, kissing my cheek. “Want to come in?”

My blush gets darker and I nod, stepping foot into his home. I look around and grip my bags straps. Dave places a hand on my shoulder and my knees wobble.

“Do you want a drink?”

I nod, I’m lost for words.

“My room is through that all and to the left, go in there and I’ll be right in.”

Again, I nod and go to where I’m directed. I open the door and smile as I set foot into Dave’s room. _Wow, I get to see his room! It’s kinda messy, but so is mine_ , I thought. I set my bag by the door and go over and look around, Dave returns with a glass of water in his hands.

“I didn’t know what you wanted so I got you some water.”

“I-Its fine.”

I take the water and thank him about three times, I sit down on the bed and take a few sips from the glass. Dave sits down next to me and I avert my eyes to the corner away from him.

Then he did something that I didn’t expect, he put his arm around my waist. I stopped drinking my water and froze. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I looked at him. “Um, yes Dave?”

“Can I kiss you?”

 _Okay, my heart just stopped_. But I nodded, setting the glass down on the floor. Dave smiled and leaned in sideways, I tried to follow suit but we bumped heads and I chuckled.

“Sorry.”

“..It’s okay.”

We tried again, and this time succeeded. Our lips met and I felt an electric shock go through my lips. I really liked Dave and it seemed he liked me. I felt tongue slip into my mouth and I followed suit, trying to remember how to kiss from all those videos on how to kiss.

He knotted his hand in my hair and turned his head sideways, I did the same.

I was pushed back on the bed, Dave on top of me. He was running his hand up my shirt and found my nipple. He pinched it and I squeaked. He chuckled and went to my neck, licking it and sucking at it. I moaned, scratching at Dave’s back.

But his hand went south and slipped into my shorts, I squeaked louder and sat up.

“Dave!”

“What?”

“Not there, please.”

“Why not? I want to show you how much I like you.”

I looked at him, I wished he would take off those shades so I could see his lovely eyes. I thought about it, and nodded.

“We won’t go all the way?”

“Nah.”

“Okay then.”

I lay back down and watched Dave’s hand go into my shorts and under my boxers, pulling out my penis and began to stroke it. I arched my back some and turned my head into the pillow.

“Ah..”

“Does it feel good?”

“Mhm..”

I have never had anyone touch me like this, so it was a different feeling to have Dave to this for me.

Dave began to stroke faster and his lips crept up to my neck, sucking, kissing, and licking the area. He even bit me playfully a few times, but those few times hurt a bit.

His lips met mine and I was filled with great euphoria.

Faster, faster, and then to tease me he went slower. He rubbed the slit and with his thumb, teased my hole. I gasped and curled my toes.

 ** _Splurt_**.

I panted, I could hear my heart beat in my ears and I looked up at Dave, smiling.

“Wow, that was something huh?”

“Yeah,” he said, wiping the cum off of his shirt.

“Now get out.”


	3. The gashes hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John decides that Dave is not worth his time and is a terrible, horrible person, and gets comforting from Rose.

John’s P.O.V

“What? I didn’t think I heard you right.”

Dave got off the bed and took off his shirt, getting a clean one, “You heard me just right fag, _Get out_.”

_Fag? I’m not a fag._

“I don’t understand Dave.”

“Don’t say my name.”

_I shut my trap, I won’t say his name._

“Okay.”

He scoffed, “See, your too nice. You’ll do anything anyone tells you to.

“No I don’t, I-I can stand up for myself.”

“Yeah right.”

Dave tossed me a box of wet naps, and smirked at me. “I never did like you, don’t you see? I only used you for a good fuck. And you believed it.”

I took the wet naps and quickly cleaned myself up, I didn’t want to hear this.

“You looked so _cute_ , cumming.”

I pulled up my boxers and my shorts and got off the bed, Dave grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“I really think you’re pathetic. Hiding for two years and when finally telling me when I question you, you come out and confess. But the truth is, you’re not sure, You’re still finding yourself.  You’re not sure if you’re gay or straight. But you like me and thanks, that boosts my ego from a little pansy like you.”

He let go, “Now, shoo.”

Tears rolled off my face and I grabbed my bag and shot out of the apartment. I went to the elevator, pressing the ground floor and getting out my phone, calling Rose. Once outside and getting an answer I told her everything.

“Where are you John?”

“Outside of his apartment.”

“What street?”

I told her the street.

“I’m coming to get you.”

“Please, please, I need someone right now.”

“He’s such a bad person.”

“Please don’t tell me you told me so, not right now, I don’t think I could handle it.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

She hung up and I put my head in-between my knees. My lower area still had the lingering area of feeling good, and I hated it.

_He never liked me. He never loved me. Did he even notice me? I bet he wouldn’t even want to be my friend._

I looked up and realized something.

_I don’t need him, I don’t need him in my life, you know what? He never existed. He’s not important. He’s not cool, he’s a terrible, horrible person that just uses people until their nothing._

Tears rolled down my cheeks, _this is what he wanted right? To break me? To make me feel like im nothing?_

_Well, he got it._

Several minutes later Rose pulled up with her mother in the backseat laying down with a booze bottle in her hands, singing the itsy bitsy spider.

“What’s with her?”

“Drunk, as usual. Don’t mind her.”

“Okay..”

I got in the passenger seat, buckling up and looking down into my lap. The feeling was still lingering, but going away. I closed my eyes and hiccupped.

“Breathe John, take in some deep breaths. We’re going to my house.”

I nodded, doing what Rose told me to do.

_In._

_Out._

_In._

_Out._

I was calming down, but every time I would calm down, images of Dave’s hand going south, his lips on mine, came to my head and I let out little whimpers.

_In._

_Out._

_In._

_Out._

“We’re almost there John, don’t worry.”

I nod, I try and hold back the tears and only a few escape.   _I’m such a crybaby_. Rose pulls up to her house and pulls into the garage and gets out. I am about to get out, but Rose opens the door for me and I smile at her. She takes my shaking hand and I get out of the car wiping my eyes with my other hand.

“What about your mom?”

“She’ll manage, c’mon.”

Rose took me into her house, basically everything was white. _You know, now that I think about it, all these years Rose and I have been friends I have never stepped foot in her house_. White, everywhere, with a few greys thrown in. She took me up the swirl flight of stairs to her room and closed it, locking it.

“Please, sit down,” she said.

I went over and sat down on her bed, looking at my lap. The feeling was gone now. Thank god. She came over and sat next to me, hesitating before hugging me tightly.

“I’m so sorry John.”

I wrap my arms around her arms and burry my head in her my arms, “I know, I should of listened to you.”

“You didn’t know.”

“I’m too nice, that’s what he said.”

“It’s true, your also too naïve, but don’t listen to that.”

I sniffle, “So what else is wrong with me?”

“No,” she pulled away and stuck her finger at me, “I’m not telling you your faults.”

I looked at her and smiled “You’re only being nice.”

“No, I’m being a friend.”

Rose hugged me again, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, and I wrapped my arms around her waist.

“I don’t think I can trust anybody except you and Jade anymore,” I said.

“What about your father?”

“I don’t know.. plus he doesn’t know and I don’t want him to go to the police.”

She pulled away, “you’re not going to tell?”

I shook my head in shame.

“I understand.”

“I don’t think I can trust any other guy anymore, fearing that they might do this to me. Even though Dave never liked me and only used me for my body, I’m now, scared of men.”

“I can understand.”

“How?”

“You scared because you think that if you trust them, if you get close to them that they’ll do something worse to you. I’m not going to name positions or items, but if you trust a guy even as a friend, they’ll hurt you. In more than one way. Leaving as a friend, or doing what Dave just did to you.”

She took the words right out of my mouth.

I nodded, and rubbed my arms.

“I don’t think I’m going to go to school for a while.”

“May I put in my personal opinion?”

“Mhm.”

“If you do that, you’re giving Dave the win. He’ll see that he hit you, which he has. And in turn, he’s the king of the world. _Go to school_. Show him that your strong, and that your fine.”

“But I’m _not_.”

“And I understand that, but, show him that you’re the bigger person.”

I thought, then blurted out something, “It’s not like I want to die, but I kinda feel like it.”

Rose was quite, then softly slapped me on my cheek, “No, don’t think like that.”

I rubbed my cheek and nodded.

“You are the most bravest person I know.”

“How?”

“Liking an asshole for two years straight, and once he used you for your body, you’re going to be strong.”

I nodded. Rose smiled and hugged me once more, rubbing my back. “I know you can be strong, I know it.”

I took in her aroma, she smelled of lavender, it suit her. _But Rose, I don’t know if I can be strong. Even if I decide to kick Dave out of my life. How am I going to deal with the huge gash across my heart?_


	4. Moving to a new place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John moves from point A to point B hoping to start a new life. He is nineteen and is getting an apartment with his friends. Little does he know what will happen In chapter five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am just posting these from word, I am sick and have been for a week. When I get legit time to sit down and read on the computer I will go over everything and garmmar correct my work.  
> Thanks.  
> PLUS: Self harming is a little OOC, but still, you know it's an AU type thing don't judge people c'mon it's all in fun for writing.  
> -Max

John’s P.O.V

_Nineteen._

_I thought nineteen would be the age where everything would change? Over the years I let my hair grow out, I grew a bit, and now I’m heading to college. So why don’t I feel any different?_

_My hair is now down past my chin and hanging in my eyes a bit, I’m a little lazy to get it trimmed up, but Rose does it for me once in a while, I kinda like it long. It’s different from when I was in high school and it was short._

I’m in the car with Rose, Jade, and Kanaya, Rose’s four years of a girlfriend. Kanaya is driving the car, Rose is in the passenger seat and Jade and I are in the back. We are all going to the same college, the college UF, University of Florida. It’s a vast change from NYC to where it snows, to the sunshine state. We have been on the road for about sixteen hours, and only Rose and Kanaya have flown out to Gainesville to check out the apartments that are close to the college. For none of us want dorms.

The moving truck is already there, and when we arrive they are on a smoke break, we wave at them and they put out their cigarettes, and start to take out the stuff. Our apartment is called Greenwitch apts, and I have never been out of NYC for those who would like to know. I look around and Rose points up to the second floor, 20C. I nod and take my one suitcase and start up the stairs, waiting for the leaders of the group.

Rose, Kanaya, and Jade follow me up and set down their bags as Rose then goes and jogs to the main office to say that ‘ _Hey, we’re here, your new residents_.’ She returns with four keys and unlocks the door. We all enter and look around.

It’s bare, really bare. But that’s why we have movers to move in furniture. We all go upstairs and there are four bedrooms, me thinking that each of us will have our own bedroom goes to claim which ever. Rose pokes me in the neck and I look at her “Kanaya and I are taking the one on the end, you and Jade can fight over the last three, and one will be used as a guest room.”

I thought and made a face, “But won’t that bring in more rent?”

“I got it covered,” Kanaya says taking Roses hand and going to their room.

Jade and I shrug and we go to pick our rooms, Jade picks the room across Kanaya’s and Rose’s, and I pick the one near the bathroom. The guest room is across from mine and I just shrug. I set my stuff down and go over to Rose’s room, knocking.

“Hey, I’m going to go tell the movers where to put the stuff, okay?”

“Sure, let Jade help,” she said through the door.

I nod, knowing she can’t see and go over to Jade’s room, knocking, “Yes?”

“C’mon Jade, we need to go tell the movers where to put the stuff.”

“Be right out!”

This shenanigan took about three hours, because Jade couldn’t decide where to put the couch, or the TV set. I would just sigh and pick when she would get frustrated in her own little way. After everything was placed right, and the beds were where they were supposed to be, Jade and I were unwrapping dishes and silver wear and putting it away when Kanaya came down.

I liked Kanaya.

She was really cool and had great style. She was tan, with white hair and green eyes. She was skinny and had a chest tattoo of an anchor with ribbons spreading out. No name or anything, just a simple tattoo, I should ask her what it means.

Kanaya had a lollipop in her mouth, coming down the stairs and looking at us. “John, it is like eighty degrees in here, why don’t you take off your jacket?”

“Don’t even try Kanaya,” Jade said.

“Why?” she asked curiously.

“Because he never takes off his jackets, I think he sleeps with them on,” she giggles.

I looked down at the batman cookie jar and sigh mentally, there was a reason for that.

Kanaya eyed me and shrugged, “Alright, but at least turn on the A/C, it gets hot in Florida,” and with that she left with boxes that said _ROSE_ and _KANAYA_. She made at least three trips.

I chuckled and continued to unwrap stuff. Next Jade and I went to unpacking movies, games, pillows, and other things until it was 2am. Jade passed out on the couch and I tried to be a man and carry her to her room, but my back was going to give out by the time I was holding her for three seconds. I set her down and got a blanket for her. I still wasn’t done, unlike Kanaya and Rose. I went back upstairs with my boxes and set them down on the floor.

I closed my door and locked it, breathing a breath of relief as I took off my jacket and tossed it to the side of my bed. I didn’t want to look at the collage of scars on my arms, plus the new ones that happened not too long ago. Every time I think I would stop, it never happens.

I sit down on the floor and go through my stuff. Clothes, game systems, games, movies, a laptop, other things. I get up and start to put them in the right place and by the time I’m finished its 4:30am. I yawn and rub my eyes with my palms.

_Rose._

_Only Rose knows of my self-harm addiction._

_The reason why? I won’t tell her. And I still won’t tell her to this day, its unimportant and not relevant. But it still races through my mind each and every moment of my day. And I can’t get it out. Its stuck. Its stuck in my head and it lingers. I don’t even touch myself anymore, except to go to the bathroom._

“Stop it John,” I say gripping my hair with my hands and sitting down on my bed.

“Get some sleep, yeah, some sleep. ”I put on my jacket and set my alarm for 7am. Jade’s right, I do sleep with it on.


	5. No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John see's Dave for the first time in years, and is terrified.

_College. College is full of people, should I have gone? Especially, males. I think Rose told Kanaya of my fear of males, because she goes:_

“It’s okay not to like guys, but you have to not jump when you bump into them. Or look terrified when you see them.”

My face gets hot and crimson red from embarrassment and I pull Rose aside before we head to the car to go to UF to see our classes.

“ _Rose_ ,” I whisper.

“What?” she says looking away.

 _Oh, I know now_.

“You told her didn’t you.”

“No.”

“Yes you did.”

“Well, um, yeah. Okay I did.”

“Why?!” I shout kinda loud.

“Jade knows, I know, of course you know, she kinda needs to know if she sees you freak out when you bump into a guy, right?”

I was steamed, but I guess she’s right, “Just calm down John, we’re all here for you.”

I look down, and Rose gently grasps my wrists, whispering, “You didn’t, did you?”

I shook my head, “No, I feel asleep before I could.”

“Good, I wish it was always like that.”

I shut up and moved past her and got in the back seat, shoving my hands in my dark blue hoodie and looking down into my lap. Kanaya got in the Driver’s seat, Rose in the Passenger, and Jade next to me. Rose put on some instrumental music as Kanaya drove to the university. I was quiet the whole way, but I allowed Jade to put her hand on my arm.

We told Jade what happened in senior year, but I was transferred to another school first in 11th grade, then after that, homeschooled until college. Because I was having ‘ _problems_ ’ my father didn’t want me in a school with people who could set my triggers off in such a way. So my father took off a year and a half to tutor me, when he went back on network, and asked why such a long leave. He just told them ‘ _It’s none of your damn business_.’

We arrive at UF, and Kanaya parks in the parking garage, fighting for a spot. We get out and I take my hands out of my hoodies pockets and adjust my messenger bag. We walk from the parking garage to the campus. And all I see are people. People everywhere. Girls I don’t mind, because some of them are looking at me. I’m the only guy in the group of three girls.

But there were guys too. _Well duh, of course there would be guys here. It wouldn’t be an all-girls school who just accepted John Egbert just for the hell of it. It’s a co-ed school dumbass._

I walk around with the girls and we go up to the bulletin board to see our classes and our student number is posted. I check my phone and see my student number. I have:

_English1A_

_Science_

_Nails101_

_Coloring_

_Style cut_

I raise my eyebrow at the board, _Nails101_ sounds like a cliché course and _Coloring_ sounds like I’m in kindergarten again, but I know it’s for coloring hair.

A rush of people come out of nowhere and my anxiety rises, I’m being pushed against the board and I hear Kanaya scream and them to get back.

“Whoa man, chill your _tatas_.”

“ _Excuse you?”_

 _That voice. That voice sounds so familiar._ I glance back and I see familiar aviator shades and blonde hair that frames that face that I want to dreadfully forget. My heart sinks. I’m going to have a panic attack right here in the middle of these people crushing me.

Tears run down my eyes and Jade turns to me, who is not being crushed, and looks to where I’m looking.

“Kanaya, get away from him!”

“Wha? Why?”

Kanaya sees me crying and she looks worried, “Fuck off weirdo.”

Kanaya rushes over to me, same with Rose who sees Dave and her eyes are wide.

“John, we need to get you somewhere where he’s not going to see you,” Rose says.

“Whats going on?” Kanaya asks.

_It’s too late, Dave sees me and he just stares at me, same with other people. I shake my head and I don’t know what’s going on. So I take off running. The girls are running after me, take it that I’m not a great runner, so I stop and wheeze behind a tree._

_At least I know my classes._

Jade is the first to catch up with me, she hugs me tightly and rubs my back. My knees feel weak and I want to throw up. I’m just about the same big baby as I was in 10th grade.

Rose and Kanaya come next, Kanaya cracking her knuckles, “If he comes near you, I’m going to break his face.”

“You told her?!” I scream.

Rose nodded, I know Kanaya is only trying to help, but people getting into my business? I don’t like it.

“I had to, now she knows what he looks like,” Rose says.

People are looking and Jade covers me with herself, hugging me.

“Why is he even here?! He should be back in New York!”

“I don’t know John,” Jade says.

“ _Yo_.”

 _There’s that voice_.

I look up and see him, tears flow down and I can’t stop. I want to run, I want to scream, I want to be anywhere but here. Why does he have to go to the same college that I’m attending?

I stand, and Jade holds my hand, Dave looks at it, then back at me.

“Don’t come anywhere near John,” Kanaya says, showing her pearly white teeth.

Dave shows his, and clears his throat. “I just want to talk to him.”

“No,” Rose and Jade say.

“But it’s important.”

“He doesn’t care,” Jade says.

“Let him answer for himself, Miss giddy pie,” he says.

He looks at me, and I be I look attractive. Tears flowing down my face, red face, snot going down my nose, brows furrowed, lip quivering. _Yeah, attractive_.

“I don’t want to talk to you D-Dave.”

His name, I haven’t said his name in _years_.

“..Oh.”

He kicks a rock and shoves his hands in his jeans, “Well, I-“ he took a step closer to the group and Rose steps in front of him.

“Don’t you dare talk to him, after what you _did._ ”

His Addams apple goes up and down, clearing his throat again.

He drops to his knees, looking down, “John, I’m sorry.”


	6. I shouldn’t be alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave meets John for the first time and Doesn't know how to word his "Sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't quote me on anything on UF in Florida. I don't know if they have Music or Hair courses.

Dave’s P.O.V

_So, there he was. John. John Egbert. I couldn’t believe it, he was at the same college I was at. Should I talk to him? Should I go up to him, and tell him how Sorry I am? Should I-_

_No._

_No._

_I see the flood of tears go from his eyes as he sees me and runs away. Have I affected him this much, that when he remembers me he is filled with such fear?_

I make my way out of the crowd and don’t even see my classes yet. I need to see John, and tell him how sorry I am. I fall behind the ladies that are with John and when I finally catch up, I start to speak.

_He doesn’t want to talk to me?_

_Well, that’s expected._

“Don’t you dare talk to him, after what you _did._ ” Says the blonde girl.

My heart sinks and of course I remember, how could I forget? I clear my throat, what else could I do? So I show my weak side. I drop down to my knees, and I don’t even have the balls to look John in the eyes.

“John, I’m sorry.”

There is silence, except for the sound of John’s whimpering and sniffling. _My heart is breaking._

“You’re lying,” John says.

I look up and shake my head, “No I’m not.”

“Liar!” he screams, holding the long black haired girls hand tighter.

“John, I am being so sincere right now you don’t even know.”

John released her hand, and apprehensively came over, the tan girl with white hair, and the pale girl with blonde hair, told him not to come over to me. But he did anyway, I looked so uncool right now, but I didn’t care. I needed him to know how sorry I was.

“You can even spit at me if you want to, I know you must want to hit me,” I chuckle.

He was quiet, and shook his head, “I’m not going to spit at you, because that’s what you would want.”

I frowned and opened my mouth to speak, but John beat me to the finish, “Don’t speak, don’t speak my name.”

_Ouch._

_I remember that._

“Yes, we go to the same school now, and yes, I am deathly afraid of you. So I’d appreciate it if you’d stay away from me.”

Stay away from him? But doesn’t he see that I’m trying to say I’m sorry?

“John, I-“

“What did I _just say Dave_?”

“I’m sorry.”

John must felt like he had all the power in the world right now, even though he didn’t look like it. Karama was actually kicking my ass right now, and I could feel it.

“Dave, just please, for the sake of both of us, and my anxiety,” _he has anxiety? Shit man_ “Stay away from me, please.”

_Please, that please sounded like someone kicking a kitten right in the tummy and not caring about the little animal. I wanted to nod, to tell him that I would. But I couldn’t. I stood up and he backed up, looking frightened._

“I can’t man, I just can’t.”

“So what? You’re going to stalk me?” John asked.

“We’re not going to let that happen!” called the black haired girl

“Shut it miss giddy,” I look at him and bite the inside of my lip “Kinda.”

“You’re a sick sadist,” John says.

“What do you want with me?  Do you want to humiliate me even further? _Go all the way_? Well I’m not going to do it, I’m a man, and I’m not going to fall into your little games anymore. You’re not cool, you’re a horrible person who just uses people until their nothing. Your stupid, your.. your..”

“John..” I reach out to touch him and he closes his eyes and flinches, _does he actually think I’m going to hurt him?_

_Have I caused this so much anxiety and pain over the years?_

I think, _what does he think of other males? Is he like this with all guys? Have I made such an impact on him that he can’t even befriend a guy?_

I put my hand down and take a step back, John opens his eyes and I see the fear. _True fear_. I have never seen it in another’s eyes before until now. _I’m such a sick person. I hate myself, No, I hate my past self._

I take another step back and shove my hands in my pockets, “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’ll see you around John.”

John turns to his group and I take a look at the black haired girl, _is he going out with her?_ I turn and leave the group and go back over to the bulletin board and check my student ID number and see my classes.

_English1A_

_Science_

_Digital art_

_Music C1_

_Experimental 3D_

I don’t know what John’s classes are, but I hope we have at least one class together. At least one. I don’t even know what he’s in college for. My past self never gave the thought even to ask or remember.

I got out of the flood of people and kept my head down as I saw the ladies look at me. I didn’t care for them, my past self would though. I went to juvie twice before I got my act together, and decided, that that little cute kid that I humiliated, I actually kinda liked, and wanted to be friends with.

That I was just bottling my anger towards my brother and my parents and taking it out in a sexually frustrated way. _I’ll make this right John, I promise you this_.


	7. Showtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave thinks John has all the power, the smiling boy that he knew know is the trembling boy that fears him. Dave feels awful.

Dave’s P.O.V

_So it’s kind of a thing to where I cannot explain, yeah? When I try it comes out all wrong and I just shut my mouth, not wanting to get it all wrong. When I was in juvie for the first time, I was like, why am I here? I’m too good to be here. But wow, they straightened me out._

_When I got out I did less of the stuff I would normally do, but I was sent back from popping a kid in the face in my senior year, plus, on top of that vandalizing the school. That’s where I was taught the true meaning of being called a juvenile. I was labeled for life, as this thing, that I didn’t want to be._

_I got out, and decided to turn my life around._

It was the best decision that I’ve ever made.

I headed towards English 1A, which was in a large room with open glass doors and when I walked in, people were finding their seats. I looked around and saw John. Personally, I was happy, but also my heart sinking from the fact as he didn’t even want to look at my face. I lingered in the doorway until basically everyone  picked their seats. I took a glancing look around and saw that not one of the three girls were in this class, or at least I could see.

I sighed a breath of relief and took my step in, positioning my head down but actually looking at John. I could see he breathing hitched, and in turn, ready to get up and basically walk right out of the class if I came near him.

Oh how I wanted to sit right next to him, but I was smarter than that. I sat a few rows behind him, this way I would be able to see him without making any actual contact with him.

Class begun, and already we were going to be introduced to a book. A book called _The girl with the dragon tattoo_.

 _Oh fuck, how lovely_.

For those who have never read this book, it’s a lovely book with harsh words to read, but with various sex and rape scenes. This should bring back some memories for John and I.

For about the two hundred adults in this class, everyone got a book, in hardcover and we all began to read, the professor reading with much emphasis. We stopped at page 178, where Lisbeth gives a blowjob to her social worker and or case manager, where she is being sexually abused.

I feel a tug at my heart strings and I try and push it away. Back then, in my teens, I was a player. Only using a majority of the people I was with, for a good fuck.

So yeah, you could say I basically raped John, sexually abused him, whatever. Did I regret it way back then? No. Do I regret it now? Hell fucking yes.

The professor began asking questions, I guess to herself, but sometimes getting the addition to the people in the class.

“Basically, how did it make you feel when Lisbeth was being taking advantage of?” she would ask.

I didn’t see John’s hand go up, though I thought that he might want to put in his input, he didn’t.

_“It made me feel sad for her.”_

_“Sick for that guy, hate him.”_

Basic answers, nothing new. Kinda felt like I was in High school English again. This reading took up basically the whole time of the class period and she went around handing out a paper with an assignment on it.

_Write about your experiences, about your bad  experiences. Write about if you’ve ever been sexually abused, known about it, or just put in your input. What did you think about the book? Did you like it? And further more put in your suggestions for more books._

_Ah shit, really?_

I leaned back in my chair and sighed, I wasn’t really going to like this assignment, though I could always lie, perhaps I shouldn’t.

Class was over and I didn’t get up until John got up and was basically down the stairs and out the door. I followed the mass of people out the doors and was on my way to my next class, Science.

I stayed behind John, to see where he would be going and basically it looked like he was heading towards the Science department. Another pair of glass doors, but this time, with a Professor Snape cut out standing inside near the doors. I chuckled, can’t wait to see who this professor would be.

I entered and I see John sitting alone at one of the black tables with Chemicals set all around it. I take in a breath and go over to him, setting my stuff down.

“Stupid question,” I start to say.

He looks up and again, his breathing is hitched.

“Do you mind if I sit here and be your partner?”

“ _Kinda,_ yeah,” he says.

I don’t know what to say, because whatever will come out of my mouth will sound so uncool, it will make me look stupid. I start to grab my bag and take my leave when the professor come bouncing in and shouting.

“Don’t move!”

None of us move.

She clasps her hands together and smile, “Good, now that you’re situated, please turn to your partner, this will be your partner for the remaining time that you’re in this course. Have fun I say!”

I glance at John and he looks like he’s about to suffer from an aneurysm.

“Sorry man.”

“Whatever, just, _whatever_.”

I can tell it’s not just, _whatever_. He’s really ticked off about it, I wish I would do something to say it’s going to be okay, but I don’t. Because it won’t help.

All through the class, the teacher is basically the bomb. But with John, I don’t say anything I don’t need to, to get off subject. But it’s kinda weird, because even when he heard my voice, he flinches a little. Even for a question that I have. Like, “x2 goes into what Chemical John?” he would flinch.

Class is over in a blink of an eye and there is no assignment posted for today. John gets up and hurries out of class, I follow.

I don’t want to grab his arm, fearing he’ll hit me and cause a scene. But I don’t know for sure if he’ll make a scene for himself or not.

“John,” I say.

He ignores me.

“ _John_ ,” I say a little louder and catching up to him.

We are outside now and he’s probably looking for his friends, I need to talk to him before his friends show up. So what do I do? I get in front of him and block his every attempt to get away from me, in a nicer way than expected looking front.

He averts his eyes, “What Dave?”

“I just want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Why not?”

_Oops, wrong chord._

John looks at me with disgust and I rub the back of my neck, “Never mind.”

“Look Dave, just, leave me alone. I can deal with the fact that we’re going to be lab partners, but other than that, please, don’t talk to me.”

“But, what if I want to?”

“You’re not my friend.”

“What if I want to be?”

“You will never be my friend.”

_Ouch._

“And I suggest you leave before my friends show up.”

I nod and look him over once again, he’s changed, and not just in appearance.

“ _What?_ ”

“Nothing, bye John.”

I take my leave and just in time too, I head in the other direction to where I parked my bike which is on campus and see that chaining my helmet to the bike was probably a good idea. I saw that some people started to mess with it. Some bastards. I take off the chaining and take off my shades, opening my eyes to the sun which irritates them. I put on the helmet and get on the bike, backing it out before turning on the ignition.

I go out onto the street and linger as I see John holding hands with that black haired girl. He’s wiping his eyes and I don’t know if he’s crying of if there’s something in his eyes.

I start to weave in and out of cars, I need the speed to help me get out this anger. But yet again watch out for cops.

_Its funny, I never thought I would see John again. But now that I got my act together and want to apologize and perhaps be potential friends with the kid, he says no._

_It’s understandable._

_I would be filled with hate too, if someone did that to me._

_Why trust them?_

_Why like them?_

_Why let them into your life when they might hurt you again?_


	8. Insert type of day here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's Draddle about Dave and the rest of his day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sick plese don't be mean about the errors if there are any, please let me know and I will fix them.  
> Thanks.  
> -Max

John’s P.O.V

_I didn’t think it was possible to have the worst day of your life happen right before your eyes. I mean like, getting settled into a new apartment, going to a new place and going to a new college, yeah.  But worst of all, seeing the guy who flipped your whole world upside down when you were in High school, and still affects you to this day._

_His name is Dave Strider and he claims to be sorry._

_I don’t buy it, not one bit._

_I have English 1A with him and he sits a few rows behind me, and Science with him, and he’s my lab partner._

_I cringe each time he talks to him._

_His voice, I used to adore it. Now I fear it._

Jade, Rose, Kanaya and I went back to the car for our lunch break and decided to go to Subway. I really didn’t want to eat, I personally lost my whole appetite when I saw Dave, but Rose was nudging me to eat some chips at least.

I shrugged and went along with them. Subway was uneventful, Jade talking about how she would basically throw herself in front of me to block off Dave.

“Can we change the subject?” I ask a little apprehensively.

Rose nods, “Yeah, this isn’t the best time to be talking about this anyway.”

I know Jade is only trying to help, but it doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere.

We head back to Campus after Subway and I’m on the lookout for Dave, I don’t know why I’m so scared of him, but I just am. I feel like he’s going to meet me in the bathroom one of these days and come up behind me and push me against the wall, feeling me up. I shiver at the thought.

I don’t see him in the rush of people and I don’t hear my name being called by a male voice, so that good. So, I make my way to my first cosmetology class of the day, _Nails 101_.

I open the door and all eyes are on me, there are a bunch of females in the room, and few fruity looking males. I crack an awkward looking smile and the Nail teacher tells me to go to an empty table and set my stuff down where she would hand out a few books.

I think I’m the only male in here that doesn’t have _pink_ somewhere on me.

This is the life of a straight guy in cosmetology classes is all about, plus getting asked if you gay as well.

A girl sets her black backpack next down next to me with a bunch of pins and buttons on it and sets her head down on it. I glance over at her and she’s kinda cute, but at the same time, she has that look of a defiant streak about her that I kinda want to stay away from now.

She catches me looking and I look away, “See something you like bub?”

I blush, “No.”

She scoffs, “So you don’t think I’m attractive then? Cause you we’re defiantly staring.”

That blush is defiantly going to be growing darker, “Well, um.”

“Unless you’re gay, then you’re excused.”

“I’m not gay, I was just admiring how pretty you are,” I say honestly.

This was her turn to blush a bright pink, “Whatever.”

A book his handed out to us about what nails are made out of, how to file them, what styles people use, and so forth. My favorite is the Japanese style one and I linger on the page for a few moments.

“So basically we won’t be doing anything with nails for a few days, just looking at them and picking out what styles you like, and getting to know the nail body,” The professor said.

I already liked the Japanese style, the way they were designed and what was on them were kinda cute.

“I like sticking to the basics” said the girl next to me.

I looked over, “Oh? And what would that be?” I asked.

“Black, and white.”

“Hm, Okay, can you explain?”

“Black, because black goes with everything, and white because with a fine point sharpie I can right _Fuck you_ on my middle finger’s nail.”

I nod, not quite getting her logic.

She props her head in her palm and stares at me, smiling, “Im Vriska, what’s your name?”

“John.”

“And, you’re _not_ gay?” she asks with a little of suspicion.

Well, I was pretty sure I was Straight, “Yeah, I’m not gay.”

“Nice to meet you not gay John,” she says holding out her hand, I take it she grasps it, bringing me into a bro hug.

She exits the bro hug and so do I, she pretends to look at the nail book when she’s really just talking to me.

“So what brings you into cosmetology not gay John?”

“Well, I just like it?”

“Good enough answer.”

We talk like this until class is over, I don’t think she’s paying attention but I see her taking note when the teacher is talking about the cuticle and the nail bed, I even see her doodling little hand with nails in her notebook, which is cute.

Class is over and she bro hugs me again, it turns out I have Coloring with her but not Style cut. In Coloring I ask her what she’s majoring in and she goes:

“Not cosmetology if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Then what?” I ask.

“Music, I’m minoring in cosmetology.”

She’s cool and I like her, and in the car with the girls I tell them about her. I go on and on about Vriska and how she’s like, the coolest girl that has a bit of a defiant streak that I’ve met.

Jade giggles, “Sounds like someone has a little friend crush.”

I blush when I realize how much I’m talking about Vriska, “I do not, she’s just really cool.”

“Mhm,” Jade goes.

“Ugh, why can’t you just see that I just like Vriska as a friend? She’s just kinda cool okay?” I say.

“Do you even know what a friend crush is?” Jade asks.

“No, not really.”

“It’s where you meet someone for the first time and really like them, so you won’t stop talking about them,” she giggles.

I blush, “Oh, Oh okay, sorry everyone.”

“It’s no problem, you’re just excited,” Rose says.

I smile down into my lap, blushing a bit, “Yeah.”

We get back to the apartment and get ourselves situated, Kanaya and Rose go to their room, while Jade and I go to the living room to go play some games on the XBOX. I bring over some cokes and some popcorn and Jade thanks me. I sit down and take one of the controllers.

This is something that I always liked doing with Jade, she was always good at games. It also helped me with stuff that was on my mind, it let it go, things from my mind that is.


	9. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a wet dream about Dave and feels horrible about the guy who he doesn't "love" anymore. To feel better he cuts and then proceeds on with his day. Dave gives him a gift and John taks it to the extreme, but in the end, they are friendly(?)with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah John cuts in this chapter sorry everyone, but he has a wet dreama nd things are progressing so yeah.

John’s P.O.V

_I swear, my dreams, and my mind, I shouldn’t be allowed to dream. I shouldn’t be allowed to think. My dream, was more like a nightmare. I don’t think I could handle it if it actually happened._

_Dave._

_Dave is always the problem._

_My dream was something that consisted of college, Dave, and myself. An empty college and I, John, trying to run away from Dave. I could hear his breathing in my ear, along with my heartbeat. When I thought I was safe, I wasn’t. When I thought he wasn’t behind me, he was._

_He would pin me down to the desk of English 1A and explore my body. He would run his fingers all up and down my skin, finding the right spots to touch me at. He would trace his fingers along my collarbone and I would think that he would break it._

_But he didn’t._

_I shut my eyes tightly as I felt my pants get undone and his whispers say, “It’s okay John.”_

My eyes shot open and my breathing was in pants. It was a nightmare, but when I looked down at my lap and felt something wet, my eyes began to tear up. It was a wet dream.

_Fuck, I didn’t want to have a wet dream about him._

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, getting out of bed and stripping the sheets. I grabbed a pair of freshly clean boxers and made my way to the bathroom first. I cleaned my bottom half with the shower nozzle, blushing as I remembered the dream. It was defiantly unnecessary to have something like that and I cursed my brain for doing it.

I dried off and slipped on the boxers, taking the soiled sheets to the washer which was in the bathroom. I stuffed them in the washer and poured in some detergent, turning it all the way around to fifteen hot and closing the lid.

I yawned and went back to my room, rubbing my eyes and sitting on my stripped bed. I got out my laptop and went back to work on my assignment for English 1A. I was already two pages in on the assignment, I didn’t know if there was a page limit of not, so I continued where I left off.

_It saddens me dearly that people go as far as to play with your emotions. In the book The girl with the dragon tattoo, Lisbeth couldn’t have had done anything because she was weak at the moment in time. And he was her higher up, her case manager. Whether he had a thing for her or just wanted to use her for a good fuck was up to him. But it’s wrong. I had a friend, who was sexually abused. It was a he, and he was in love with another male.  This love was not real, nothing could have been done to prevent what the male did to my friend. Could it be the cycle of life? Perhaps not, but should it happen? Definitely not._

I didn’t know how to end my two pages, so I left it like that. And book recommendation? I really didn’t know of any. But I did read a good book about a hemapadidte called Annabele, so I threw that in there.

It was 5:06AM and I decided that I couldn’t sleep any longer, and that it was useless to go back to sleep when I had to really get up at 7AM.

So what do I do with my time?

 _I think_.

_I think about all that has happened to me in the past day with Dave. I think about my time in High school. I think about my time with Dave when he humiliated me, I think about the time I had to transfer schools because I could stand to see the look on Dave’s face when he saw me._

_I think._

_And when I think about stuff like that, I get angry, I get sad, I get upset, im just.. a not so good person to be around at that time._

_I take in a breath and feel my wrists start to burn. I know what I want, and everytime I try and refrain for it, it never ends well._

I close my laptop and I go get the painting scalpel that I hide, and sit back on my bed. I take off my jacket and bite my lip.

 ** _Cut_**.

I can’t describe what it feels like. It like, feels good in some twisted way. It takes away the pain.

 ** _Cut. Cut. Cut_**.

I don’t want to smile, because that will give Dave the satisfaction, or at least I think it will. Whenever I do this, it’s because of him. It’s always been because of him.

**_ Cut. _ **

**_ Cut. _ **

**_ Cut. _ **

I stop and I grab a tissue from the tissue box on my nightstand table, my best friend since 10th grade. I place it on the cuts and sigh, I feel my heartbeat in my ears and I shake my head, nothing seems to go right.

At 7AM I’m the only one up when people start to come down. I made breakfast just for me, while the girls try and scurry to get their things together.

I hold the piece of toast in my mouth, nibbling on it.

“John, you we’re up early, what was that for?” Rose asks.

I take the toast from my mouth, “Guy issues,” I shrug.

“Oh, okay.”

Jade makes some toast with jelly, Rose grabs a cereal bar, and Kanaya grabs a water. We all have our bags and make out way out to the car, the same routine. Rose puts on some instrumental music as Kanaya Drives, and we are all quite. I kinda want to break the sound barrier by saying something, but I don’t. It’s kinda nice just listening to the music while Kanaya drives.

Rose, Jade, and I finish our breakfast and get out of the car, walking to campus. I don’t see Dave anywhere, or maybe he sees me and is avoiding me because of my friends.

_Smart idea._

All four of us part and I start to go to English 1A, knowing I’ll run into Dave sooner or later. Yet, it has to be sooner. I hear my name being called almost right next to me and I turn, seeing Dave with a flower, no, a rose, held out in front of him.

I flush a bright pink and blink to make sure he’s not just playing around.

“Um, what’s this?” I ask.

“A rose.”

“I don’t want it,” I say bluntly.

“Why not?” he asks.

“Because, I just don’t.”

He gets on one knee, still holding it to me, “Please take it, I want you to accept it. This will show that I’m not such a bad guy, right?”

I furrow my brows together and reach out for it, but the cloth on my hoodie brush my wrist and arms where the cuts are and I flinch, it hurts.

“You okay there?”

“Yeah,” I take the rose and look at it.

Dave gets up and smiles, “You know, I would really still like to be your friend.”

I look up from the rose, that’s made its way to my nose, “I don’t really want to be your friend though.”

Dave takes a small step towards me, he towers over me and I look down holding the thorned rose.

“What can I do to make you see that I’ve changed?” he asks.

I squeeze the thorns and it punctures my skin.

“John?”

“I don’t know, I’m not google okay? I don’t know what you can do, what you can type in to say, _ways to make John like me again_. It doesn’t work like that Dave!”

_Dave is quite._

“I will never like you again, not in any sort of way. You took something from me, and even though we didn’t go all the way, you took my first sexual experience away from me.”

_I squeezed Harder on the thorns._

“I don’t even touch myself anymore except to go to the bathroom, I just, can’t do it anymore.”

“John-“

“So don’t come up to me asking to be my friend, I don’t want your sympathy.”

“John-“

“I hate you.”

“John!”

I looked up at Dave who was taking my hands away from the rose, they are bleeding and have little puncture holes in them.

“Shit, now you need to go to the infirmary, I knew I should have paid the extra five bucks to get them thornless.”

Dave takes my wrist and I flinch as he pulls me down the hallway, “What about class?” I ask.

“Fuck class your hurt.”

I feel my blood drip through my fingers, I’m totally blank from the hallway to the infirmary.

In the infirmary there’s a nice lady who sees my punctures and sits me down, getting out some peroxide and some gaze and surgical tape.

She’s in her twenties and I see her eyeing Dave, who, Dave is probably looking at her through his Shades. I look over at him, and no, he’s looking directly at me. I feel my face get hot and I look away.

“Do you have any napkins?” Dave asks the lady.

“Mhm, on the counter to your right.”

Dave goes over and grabs a napkin, cleaning off the blood from the rose stem.

“There you go cutie, your hand is like new.”

I thank her and I get up, leaving with Dave. Its awkward, I guess for the both of us, that we have to walk to class together, yet none of us seem to have anything to say.

But of course Dave breaks it.

“So, are you going to keep the rose?”

I keep walking, and nod.

“Oh, cool, im glad.”

I stop in the hall and Dave stops too, “John we better get to class.”

I keep my head down, Why do I want to say sorry for saying _I hate you? I shouldn’t want to feel like that. I do hate him, I despise him._

“John?”

_So, I don’t get it._

“Hey, John.” Dave take a step closer to me, putting a hand on my shoulder, I snap out of my thoughts and look at him.

“Oh, sorry, I was kinda lost for a second.”

“Hey man, it’s okay.”

_Why is he so nice?_

I keep my head down until we get to class, class is fifteen minutes in and I take my seat and so does Dave. We are supposed to turn in our papers after the lecture and I wonder what Dave wrote. I wonder if he lied, I just can’t help but wonder.

I set the rose down on the table and we read _The girl with the dragon tattoo_ and I do like it, it’s pretty interesting. I can’t really follow along or keep up with it though. Personally I would just like to sleep or play some video games.

Towards the end, another assignment is handed out:

_This is an aspect on life. What do you think of life? How do you take it in your holding grasp? Explain._

I put the assignment in my bag and get up with the rest of the people, looking back to see Dave is still sitting.

“Well, c’mon,” I say.

He looks generally surprised and stands up, moving past people to get to me as I make my way  to the desk to turn in my assignment and out the doors and down the hall.

“I thought you didn’t want me around,” he says.

“Personally, I really don’t, but we’re lab partners remember?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Plus, thanks for the rose.”

“You’re welcome John.”

In Science, things are uneventful and the teacher is bat ass crazy, but still fun say none the least. We are giving a chemical that is prone to burning when acid is added to the mixture.

“Sounds dangerous,” Dave says.

I smile, “Yeah.”

“Now, add one drop of acid to the beaker and watch the fireworks!” she says.

Dave and I both look at each other “Do you want to do it?” I ask.

“Sure, why not.”

Dave takes the acid and adds one drop, and when he does a flame comes erupting from the beaker in all different controlled directions.

I smile, showing my teeth, which has a gap in the middle, “Wow! That’s really something!”

Dave smiles, and the thing is I don’t know if he’s looking at me or the flame, I can’t tell behind those big shades, “Mhm.”

No assignment is posted for today, though she says that she might post one for tomorrow, though she’s not sure.

I gather my stuff and see Dave is waiting for me, I refrain from smiling and meet him at the door,

“You know you have to skedaddle before my friends show up.”

“I know, it’s like our friendship is secrete.”

I take I a breath, “I’m not your friend.”

“I know, I like to think you are, since I can make you smile at some points during the day.”

I smile, then hide it with my hand.

“See?”

This causes a blush.

“Anyway,” He shoves his hands in his pants pockets and looks around, “Do you have a Pesterchum?”

“Um, yeah.”

Dave gets out a pen from his pocket and asks for my hand, smooth, I give him my hand and he writes his username on it.

“Pester me, you know, whenever, if you want.”

I look at it and nod.

“Bye John,” And with that he’s gone.


	10. Please accept me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave tried to get John to trust him, and end up going on a "friend" date.

Dave’s P.O.V

It’s been three says and I think I’m making an impact on John. Though, I fuck it up each time and say something that offends him or brings back memories for him in such a way that he doesn’t want to talk to me.

 _Good one Dave, good one_ , I would always think.

Last time I bought a Rose, and John accepted it. But in turn I caused him so much pain and grief that he hurt himself, I don’t want that to happen again. So these past couple of days I’ve been giving him _friend_ presents to make up for all those times I was never there.

_A rose._

_A gift certificate to Barns and nobles._

_An offer to eat out with me and talk, and I would pay, of course he turned it down._

I realized that these were just material items that he didn’t want and or need. I needed something that came from the heart, something deep down within myself that showed how much I was sorry and how much I appreciated him now.

And I had just the thing.

I waited until John’s friends left him before I came running up to him, “John!” I said, he turned and sighed as he saw a tiny wrapped box in my hands.

“Another gift?”

“Yes, but this means the most, please, open it.”

John rolled his eyes softly like he always does with my gifts and started to unwrap it. My heart was pounding and I already started to regret giving it to him. What if he doesn’t like it? What if he refuses it? These crossed my mind as he slid off the top and looked at the beaded bracelet made from Pony beads and stretchy string.

“Is this a joke? What is this?”

“Can I explain?”

“Yeah.”

“You wear blue the majority of the time, so I’m guessing it’s your favorite color. And blue, is the color of your eyes. This is a friendship bracelet believe it or not, I made it just for you even though you don’t consider me your friend. If you accept this I’ll be the most happiest man in the world, you can decline it if you want, but only if you really want to.”

John looked at it for a long time, I could feel a cold sweat roll down the side of my head and I felt my heart drop of happiness when he put it on.

“I accept it, I can tell you put a lot of hard work into such a simple thing. Thank you.”

I wanted to hug him, I really did, but I didn’t know what he would do. I wanted to ask if I could, but he was walking away already telling me to c’mon and get my butt to class. I was really wondering if he was starting to consider me his friend.

_Am I hoping to high?_

I stayed close to him as we walked to class, he was quiet as usual unless I asked something. His flinching became less and less each day around me and that was a good thing, at least I wasn’t scary to him anymore.

“John,” I asked before we got into class, taking his arm gently.

He took his arm away in an uncomfortable manor and averted his eyes, “Yeah?”

 _Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have touched him, maybe I shouldn’t ask- No. Do it._ “Can I sit next to you?”

John’s eyes met everywhere except mine, “Um.”

“It’s totally fine if you don’t want me to.”

“Then why’d you ask?”

“..I don’t know.”

“Not today, okay?”

“Okay.”

We entered class and the professors eyes met my shades and called me over, I raised a brow and went over to her.

“Yes Miss Spence?”

“You only did a paragraph for the first assignment about a week ago, not that it didn’t touch me. But I’m glad you told the truth. Most people would only tell lies.”

She handed me back my paper with a 37/37 on it.

“Re-read it, make sure you understand it, and,” She glanced up at where John was sitting “I’m routing for you.”

_I'm going to keep this short and simple. For this assignment you wanted to know of sexually abused peoples and or rape and such. Well, yes. I thought about lying, I thought about taking some stories off the internet and using it as examples. But no. I’m going to go from the heart. I, was a player back in high school. And basically I humiliated a bunch of people and personally I don't care for those people. But there’s this one guy, yeah, a guy. I humiliated him times tenfold, and now a feel horrible about it. I touched him in a way that he loved, but I only used to take advantage. His name? It’s really irrelevant in stuff like this, just take it that he goes to this college now, and is in English 1A with me and Science. And that im going to try and make it up to him in any way possible. But in all glories gold, yeah, I did sexually abuse this poor guy. And I hate myself._

_Book recommendations: I don't really read._

 

I smiled and nodded at her, then went to my seat. All through class I was day dreaming, in between the line of reality and dream. I was here, in a sense, I was day dreaming about John.

_It was silly really._

_I was day dreaming about having a picnic on the school campus, like they do in those 1950’s movies, and John and I would sit and get to know each other in the years that we’ve been away from each other. Where John has hated me and I have been wanting to make up every second of every day to him. My hand would creep up to his and I would take it within mine and squeeze it softly, he would look into my shades and chuckle and say “Dave, I can’t see your eyes.”_

“Dave.”

I picked up my head up and saw John adjusting his bag on his back, “C’mon we’ll be late for Science.”

He peered over and sighed “You didn’t take any notes did you.”

I looked at my paper and chuckled “I guess not, “I gathered my stuff and slung my red bag over my shoulder and caught a glimpse of the bracelet John was wearing, it made me smile.

In Science we had an assignment to where we must mix a few chemicals to watch it glow a neon color, then Miss Pavao turned off the lights and it glowed, the particles floating around.

I smiled to see that John was smiling at the experiment. He got eye level with the beaker and poked the beaker with his gloved hand. “This is so cool, don’t you think Dave?” he asked.

“Yeah, pretty neat.”

The assignment from Miss Pavao was to find a source for technology and write up a report telling whether it is useful or not.

John gathered his stuff and so did I, as I was walking with him I wanted to ask him something. I had to ask him before his friends came, it was really important.

We stopped where we usually stopped and I ran my hand through my hair, “So um John, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, you gotta do it before my friends come though.”

“Will you go out to lunch with me.”

He was quiet.

“I know you usually go with your friends to lunch, but It would mean the world to me if you came with me to someplace where we could eat.”

He was still silent.

“John, okay, I understand that you don’t wann-“

“Okay.”

“Huh?”

“I said okay, I’ll tell them I’m eating with someone else today, where are you parked?”

“Over there,” I say pointing to my bike with my thumb.

“Okay, you should get out of here-“

The girls start to walk up and see me, John sighs and I just stand there. _Here comes the rants._

“What’s he doing here?” Asks the blonde.

“Why is he with you?” Asks the black haired one.

“I told you he’s in my two first classes,” replies John.

“Well, scoot,” says the white haired chick “John needs to come with us so he can eat.”

I smirk, time to turn on the asshole-ish Strider charm “I’m sorry _ladies_ , but he’s coming with me.”

“What? No he’s not, right John.” The blonde asked.

John was quiet, and kept his hands behind his back.

“John?” The blonde inquired.

“Yeah, I’m going with him,” John finally said.

“Why?” Asked the black haired girl.

“Jade, I just can okay?”

“But after what he did? I wouldn’t trust him,” She said.

_My heart hurt, why does everyone always have to bring that up?_

John moved his feet around on the ground and it looked like he was curling his toes within his shoes. It looked like he didn’t want to answer that question.

“John?” the blonde says bringing her head down to peer down at John’s head that was down.

“Look Rose, he wants to take me out somewhere. He’s _pestering_ me, okay? He won’t do anything in a public place,” John says.

 _Pestering?_ I clear my throat quietly _, is that all he thinks of me? I really hope not._

“How do you know that?” Rose asks.

“Just, trust me okay? I have my phone on me,” and with that John left his friends in the direction that I pointed to, I left with him not wanting to be yelled at by the girls. I could hear Rose let out a bull exhale and the other two staring daggers at me.

I take the lead and take John to the red speed bike with the chained up helmet. I unchain it and hand the helmet to him.

“Um, what’s this?”

“This is your safety precautions, and your ride. Hop on.”

John looked at the bike and then the helmet, making an apprehensive looking face for about five seconds before putting  his glasses in his pocket and putting on the helmet.

“I feel ridiculous.”

I smile and help him up, “You’ll thank me if you fall off and that helmet saves your head.”

He looks at me, “Don’t even joke about that Dave, watch you jinx the hell out of me.”

“I’ve had this baby since graduating high school, never once got into a crash.”

  
“Good to know, now get on and drive.”

I got on and turned on the bike ignition, backing out and turned to John, “You better hold onto me, you don’t want to fall.”

I felt John’s slender arms wrap around my waist and lock his hands over my stomach. I can’t explain it, but my face felt hot and all tingly at that moment. Was it the sun? I don’t really know, but I knew that I liked it when John was holding into me.

I put a little speed onto the bike and heard John gasp when we jerked forward and to the stopping position at the turning lane out to the street.

“ _Relax_ ,” I said to John, “Just hold onto me if you get scared.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Bullshit,” I say sarcastically.

“Shut your face, or I’ll get off.”

“Kay.”

John held onto tighter and buried his helmet into my back as I put speed to the throttle, for one I kept within the cars, and not going over the speed limit, only to keep John safe. I was also on the look out for a restaurant for lunch and any cops. I only had one helmet and John was using it, if I got pulled over, I was going to get a ticket.

At a red light I spotted an Olive Garden, not too expensive and yet they have pretty good Italian food. The light turned green and I turned into the plaza, didn’t want to turn on red now did I?

Even for lunch on a weekday Olive Garden was pretty packed. I parked on the curb and got off, helping John off next. John took off the helmet and had helmet hair. I smiled, holding back a giggle and he placed the helmet in my hands then fixed his hair. I chained the bike up and turned to him.

“You ready?”

“Yeah, let me just clean my glasses first,” John took out his glasses and took the end of his hoodie and wiped his glasses clean from any smudges.

_Now that I notice it, I’ve never seen John, since he’s been at college, without a hoodie on, or some type of jacket. We live in Florida, and it almost ninety degrees out here, doesn’t he ever get hot?_

John put his glasses on and nodded, both of us walking up to the restaurant. I held the door for John which surprised him.

“Um, thanks,” he said going inside.

I went up to the hostess and out in a table for two, they said we were lucky because a table just opened up. The hostess led us to the booth in the corner and we took our seats across from each other. She asked us for drinks and we both wanted water with lemon. She left to go fetch our drinks and told us that our server would be with us shortly.

I tucked a strand of blonde hair behind my ear and chuckled “So, I’m glad you accepted my offer.”

“Don’t get used to it,” he said averting his eyes.

_Its okay for him to be snarky, I deserve it._

“I know, I’m just glad.”

John shifted his eyes from side to side, blushing softly, I couldn’t help but smile.

“So, um, you don’t actually think I pester you, do you?” I asked.

“Yes, I kinda do.”

“…Oh.”

“But, you’ve gotten better at less annoying me over the past week,” John shifted uncomfortable in his seat, “I’m less afraid of you.”

“Oh John, I’m really glad to hear that!”

A new waiter came by with our drinks, almost spilling it on us, “Sorry,” he grumbles.

“It’s okay,” John says.

“May I take your order? Or do you need a few minutes? he asks in a grouchy tone, he must not like his job.

“A few minutes please,” John asks, the waiter nods and leaves.

John and I open our menus, I decide on the stuffed portabella mushrooms in cream sauce, “So you know what you want?” I ask.

“Hm, I think I’m going to go with a kids meal.”

“Oh? What kind?”

“The chicken tenders,” he giggles.

“Can never go wrong with a kids meal,” I chuckle.

“So, John.”

“Hm?”

“If you’re less afraid of me, is there any hoping chance of me becoming a friend with you?”

John bit his lip, opening his mouth, closing it, then opening it again, “Maybe, I don’t know.”

I smiled, “That’s all I need to know, I know now that I have a fighting chance.”

John averts his eyes and I knew that since his hands weren’t up on the table that they were under it, he was probably playing with them. His slender fingers touching each other, rubbing against one another, he was nervous.

The waiter came back, standing his weight on one foot, “May I take your order?”

“I’ll have the stuffed portabella mushrooms.”

“I’ll have the kids meal, chicken tenders with French fries.”

The waiter smirked and raised his brow, “Do you want a toy with that?”

“I don’t know, do they come with toys?”

I eyes the waiter looking at his name tag, “Look Mr. Karkat, I’d be a shame if that attitude of yours got kicked out of this nice restaurant because your trying to be funny to one of the customers.”

“…Sorry, I can’t help what I say or the way I am. Really, I am sorry, it just comes out naturally.”

“To make fun of people?” I ask.

“Kinda, your order will be out shortly,” Karkat the waiter turns to walk away but John calls his name.

“Yes? Do you need something?”

“Just wait a moment,” he says. John takes a sugar packet and a pen from his pocket and writes something on it, then hands it to Karkat. Karkat reads it and I could see a bright red blush coming to his face, he thanks John and leaves.

_I was now curious._

“What did it say?”

“Oh, It had my name and number on it.”

_What?_

“Why? He just kind of made fun of you, why would you give him your number?” I ask getting a little over protective on the topic.

John shrugged, “He reminds me of me in high school, not the asshole-lish part though. I only had Rose and Jade, I was too apprehensive towards everyone and everything after you humiliated me. So I look at Karkat, our waiter, and I see how he’s an asshole and think _he probably doesn’t have any friends_. So I took the initiative  by giving  a complete strange asshole my number in an attempt to be his friend.”

This only showed that John was willing to let a complete stranger into his life as a friend, maybe because in some way he trusted him. But this also showed that I had to step it up another five notches and try to win his friendship.

John took a sip of his water, looking around. I spun my straw in my drink, looking around as well.

_Say it you pansy._

“So, John.”

“Yeah?”

“How have you been?”

“Fine. Why?”

“No, I mean after you left high school, not seeing me anymore.”

“I’ve been… okay,” John said rubbing his arms. I watched him rub his arms and thought, _does he know he’s doing that? Is he doing it unconsciously? What’s up with him and these hoodies? In high school he never wore hoodies or Jackets, so why the change?_

“Do you want to talk about some stuff that has happened over the past few years?” I asked.

“Um, not really.”

 _I really wanted to respect his privacy and wishes, but it just slipped out_ , “Why not?”

John looked like a mixture of generally pissed off and hurt, “Because I don’t really want to, is that good enough for you Dave?”

I looked down into my water and nodded, “I’m sorry John, it just slipped out. I’m just really really glad that you came with me and aren’t really scared and terrified anymore. I don’t like hurting you and or scaring you. That’s not what a real friend does, even though you don’t consider us real friends.”

John was quiet.

“I’m just interested in your life, I’m kinda interested in you.”

“Dave.”

 _Shit_ , my head popped up and I rubbed the back of my neck nervously, “Interested in you in the friend kinda way, ya know?”

“I know,” John smiles softly, a pink blush hinting on his cheeks, “I’m not ready for that kind of question yet, but we can ask each other questions like what we like and stuff, and then it leads up to that question. Sound good?”

I nod, taking a sip of my water as John asks the first question, “What are you studying at UF?”

I swallowed my drink and smile, “Well actually,” I start, “I’m really experimenting with what I want to be.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

“Explain please?”

“Sure.”  I fold my hands over the table, “I kind of want to be a musician, but if I don’t like it within the first, oh let’s say six months, then I’ll switch.”

“Okay, to what?”

“Maybe something more serious in the music career, like a cello player or something, if not, then a doctor.”

“Oh? Cool!”

“Mhm, one of those people who deliver babies or an anesthesiologist.”

“Ew, I don’t think I would want to see a baby being born.”

“I’d just say something like, ma'am you need to calm down.”

“In that state of pain I’d be hitting you.”

“Are you having the child Egbert?”

“No.”

“Then do not tell me what to say,” I chuckle, John chuckles with me.

This conversation goes on for five minutes and I have John in legit tears from laughing too hard. He’s lying in the seat and I’m just watching him. His face is tomato red and I can’t help but giggle along with him. He sits up and fans himself, wiping his tears away with his fingers.

“And you swear that happened?”

“Yeah, look at this face. Would this face lie to you?”

_Shit, wrong, thing to a-_

John giggled “Yeah, it would.”

_Is.. Is he starting to warm up to me?_

We suddenly smelled food and saw Karkat, our waiter, with our food. He set down the food, his fingers lingering on John’s. “Enjoy,” he said and left.

John smiled and took his utensils out and placed the napkin on his lap. He took the chicken and  bit into his, smiling.

“So, John. I know you probably don’t wanna hear it since your food just got here and you want to enjoy it. But, I _really_ want to know.”

John chewed and sighed through his nose.

_Am I going to get yelled at?_

“Okay, a deals a deal right?”

I smiled, “Yeah.”

John took the catsup as he began talking, “Ever since you humiliated me… I’ve been depressed.”

 _Oh_.

“I take anti-depressants. Yet I don’t think they help.”

_Anti-depressants?_

“I was transferred out of school then homeschooled until now. I’ve never told my father, though he pretty much has the right guess, and pieced it all together.”

_…Ah_

“…I’m going something I shouldn’t be doing to my body.”

_Huh?”_

“It’s wrong in most people’s eyes, but it makes me feel good you know?”

_No I don’t, what is it?_

“I did it to forget about you, but instead it brings more pain each and every time I think about it. It’s my release.”

_Please stop._

“It hurts. But it’s a stress release too.”

_Don’t let it be what I think it is._

John pulled at his sleeves, playing with his fingers, “I cut myself.”

My heart dropped, that’s what’s with all the jackets and hoodies? That’s why he always flinches each time I grab his wrist or arm. Tears welled up in my eyes behind my shades, I placed my hands in my lap to keep from pulling my hair out.

“I’ve been so depressed and so horrible in all honesty.”

“I want to see them.”

“Huh?”

“Your cuts. Let me see them.”

John looked like something in him broke and he shook his head real fast, covering his fingers and averting his eyes, “No.”

“Why not?”

“They are ugly, and gross, and stupid. I don’t want anyone to see them.”

I hung my head down low, I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t fall ,”I’m sorry.”

“…I forgive you.”

My head popped up and in took in a sharp intake before It hitched, “You do?”

“Yeah. But I’m not going to stop.”

I was confused, “Why?”

John let out a broken innocent smile, “I guess I’m still stuck on the past, huh?”

_I broke._

I pushed my food out of the way and got up, mumbling to John that I would be back. I rushed to the bathroom and threw off my shades onto the counter and turned on the faucet. I splashed cold water on my face and felt myself shaking. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw tears rolling down my face with the water droplets. I breathed in and out a couple of time and slapped both of my cheeks.

“Get a hold of yourself Dave, fuck man, you have to strong one.”

I grabbed my shades and put them on, going back to the table and regaining my composure.

John looked at me, nibbling on the chicken tender, “You okay?”

_No, are you okay John? How can I help you? Let me in. I want to help, please._

“Yeah, totally chill.”

I sat down and placed my plate in front of me and began eating. We ate in silence until I broke it, “Will you ever let me see it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

He squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, furrowing his eyebrows and biting his lip.

“Are you scared?”

He nodded.

“Of what?”

He hesitated for a good five seconds. Opening and closing his mouth a few times before he finally said it, “You.”

I cleared my throat, my stuffed mushroom on my  fork. I watched him roll up his hoodie sleeve just a tad to reveal the friendship bracelet. But it was enough to reveal two nasty cuts as well. John handed me the bracelet.

“I don’t think I’m ready to accept your friendship bracelet just yet.”

I set my fork down and took the bracelet, but also took John’s hand and opened it placing the bracelet inside of it and closing it into a tight ball.

“When you are ready, then put it on. There is no rush. Please, Please, don’t break my heart anymore,”

John blinked, a light pink blush dusting on his cheeks. He nodded and put it in his pocket.

_The thing I learned today? I made John’s life a living hell the past four years. I’m a terrible person, I shouldn’t be alive. But since I am, I need to show John that I’m for real and I’m not going to cause him anxiety or any more depression._

_John, please accept me as your friend, I’ll show you a great time, and how much I really like you._


	11. Just wait a minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has OC and OOC canon's. Just saying, so don't judge yeah?  
> John is learning to trust the infamous Dave Strider.

John’s P.O.V

_So I guess it’s a thing that happens when you let stuff into your heart. You start to trust. You start to look at the person who you’ve always hated since he’s humiliated you to the fullest extreme and pushed you over the edge. You look at him and think, wow, how can I let him in as a friend? Well, I guess I’m just fucking stupid for letting him in._

I rode back with Dave and we parted ways, he went to his classes and I went to mine. I was kind of down in the dumps most of the day. Vriska, my new friend was trying to cheer me up. She was doodling faces of her past boyfriend with him having five chins and huge bug eyes saying stuff like _Vriska blames all of her problems on me cause I’m gay and have a small dick_.

I giggled, but it still didn’t make me feel better. She could tell something was up and began to pester me about it in our last class together.

“So, Egbert, what the hell is up with you bro?”

I glance at her while I’m writing notes, “It’s nothing really.”

She takes my pen and throws it somewhere across the room, “Yo bro, it’s totally something.”

I pout, “My pen.”

“Screw your pen, _talk_ to me dude.”

I look at her and she takes my hand telling the professor that we’re going to use the bathroom, we don’t, we’re outside and she pushes me against the wall with one hand. Her other hand is behind her back and she’s putting all of her weight on her one foot.

I clear my throat.

“Start talking.”

I blush and I can see that she wants some answers, “Well, there’s this guy, his name is Dave.”

“Dave? Dave Strider?”

I look at her, “Yeah, you know him?”

“Prick is in my last class.”

 _Prick?_ “Oh? Um, well, I have this kinda, beef with him.”

“Want me to beat him up?”

“Oh, um, no, that’s fine, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

She leans in close to my ear and smirks, “I can hold my own pretty well Mr. Egbert.”

I blush and clear my throat pretty loudly, “You didn’t let me finish.”

She pulled away, “Oh, okay.”

“Well, it was kinda a beef, and now I’m kinda accepting him as a friend.”

She rolled her eyes, “Just watch out for him, kay?”

“Why?”

“Well, he’s just bad news alright? I don’t want you getting hurt. Juvie he’s been in a couple times, fucking around with people’s hearts, I heard he’s an occasional pot head, stuff like that.”

My heart stopped, _was this the kinda person I wanted to hang out with, with such a bad rep?_

“I mean,” Vriska rubbed her neck with her hand “I hope you don’t judge me cause I was in juvie, but I was going through some major daughter daddy issues.”

I smiled, “Of course not, Dave’s issues are totally different.”

She looked at me, a bit confused, “What he’d do to make you so upset?”

I bit my bottom lip and looked away blushing, “Um, well.”

I pulled at Vriska’s shirt and whispered in her ear “ _He took my first sexual experience away from me_.”

I pulled back, but Vriska’s stance was still there, crouched in such a way. Her knuckles were in a clenching position and she gritted her teeth. “Bastard.”

My eyes widened and I placed my hands on her shoulders, “Hey, hey hey, it’s alright, I forgive him.”

“Why on Earth would you forgive him?!” she yelled.

“Shhh,” I say.

I pulled Vriska into a hug and she felt tense until I squeezed her and she began to relax. She wrapped her arms around my lower back and I wrapped my arms around her waist, “It was a choice, I still don’t like him all that much. I don’t think I ever will, you know? But he’s so fucking persistent, it’s annoying. I can’t keep him away, I just decided to let him in a little bit.”

Virska sniffled, burring her forehead in my shoulder, was she crying?

“John, if he tries anything on you again, promise to punch him. They always come back. They always come back. They do, they never stop.”

I looked at Vriska’s light brown hair, wanting to ask, but not wanting to invade anything. “Were you..”

“Mhm.”

I closed my eyes, “I understand.”

Vriska pulled away, wiping her eyes under her glasses, taking in a deep breath, “We should get in class. It’s almost over anyways.”

I nod and we both walk in and take our seats, minutes pass and Vriska hands me a note with her number on it. I can’t remember if she gave me her number before or not, I don’t have a very good memory like that.

Class is over and Vriska stands up, we hug and part ways. I go to my class and she goes to hers. I go to style cut with Mr. Gabe, the one lass where I have to stand the whole hour. He teaches us to hold the hair in such a way and cut it on such a way where it’s like magic. Of course I don’t get it. I’ve never got it since I’ve been in his class and he looks down on me cause of that.

_I just want out of his class._

_I look at the clock every four minutes or so._

_The bell rings and I grab my shit and I’m out._

I make my way out and I see Dave waiting for me, I blush and he looks like in his normal stance. Leg up against the wall, back against the wall, arms crossed over chest.

I take in a breath and put on a smile as I walk up to him, “Hey Dave.”

“Hey.”

_Something’s off._

_Something about his voice._

I adjust my straps on my shoulders, “So you wanna walk with me?”

“Mhm.”

_Something is totally off._

We walk and it is complete and utter silence. I look away and playfully bump Dave, this catches him off guard and he looks at me, “What was that for?” he asks.

“Your acting weird!” I chuckle, stopping.

“Oh? Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay, I’m just a little worried is all.”

_I am?_

I see Dave give off a hint of a light pink blush and see him smile softly behind those mysterious shades, “Thanks.”

We continue to walk and Dave is still quiet, I wonder what is bothering him. We had such a nice time at the restaurant. We stop at where we usually stop and he smiles at me.

“I’ll see you Monday alright?”

He starts to walk away and I decide to do something just to make the guys day, I grab his hand and pull him into my arms, hugging him.

He’s kinda tense but then relaxes within the next milla second. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into him. He’s kinda shaking and I feel his jaw is tensed up. I want to ask him whats bothering him, but he pulls away and smiles.

“I’ll pester you later okay?”

I nod, watching him leave.

_Pester as in actual face to face, or pester as in pesterchum? I don’t really know._

I watch him mix in with the people and hear my name get called from a mix of girls voices. I turn to see my friends and smile. They rush up to me and Rose takes my face and examines it.

“Um,” I chuckle, “What are you doing?”

“He didn’t hit you, good.”

“Why would he hit me?”

“Because that’s something that guy would do, I’m going to check you if he out anything that’s unnecessary on you.”

I roll my eyes and Rose laces her hand with mine and pulls me out of campus with the other girls and we walk to the parking garage and to the car. The same routine, Kanaya drives, Rose is in the passenger seat and puts on instrumental music and Jade and I are in the back. Except this time they are all questioning me.

_“What did you guys talk about?”_

_“Did he hit on you?”_

_“Did he make you feel uncomfortable?”_

“Stop it!” I say covering my ears.

They become quiet and I uncover my ears, I look up and Jade is looking at me, “We’re sorry John, we’re just concerned.”

“Well, I understand. But you don’t have to get all up in my business you know.”

“But, after what he-“

“ _He did, yes, I know_. He seems to have changed, but you wouldn’t have seen that now would you? You haven’t even gave him a chance.”

Jade looked down into her lap, then looked back up smiling, “I’ll give him a chance!”

I smiled, “You will?”

“Yeah!, I don’t see what it could hurt.”

“I’ll do it too,” Kanaya said, “I didn’t really know the guy any way.”

“Well  I’m not,” Rose said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“If you only saw the _look_ on your face four years ago, the way I _held_ you, how much you _cried_ , what you _do_ to yourself each and every night? I’m not going to give that bastard anything,” Rose hissed out with pure venom.

Everyone in the car was silent until we reached the apartment, rose slammed the door to the car and mumbled she was sorry to Kanaya, she made her way up the stairs and to the door unlocking it. All three of us followed and Kanaya said she would calm her down.

Jade asked if I wanted to play some video games and I said no, I wanted to take a nap and then work on my homework. I made my way upstairs and fell on my bed, falling asleep just like that.

I awoke with a knock at my door, I opened my eyes and picked my head up to see Rose, she looked sullen.  I sat up and take off my glasses to where everything is blurry as hell and look at the blurry blonde figure. She closes the door and takes a step forward.

“You know I still have to check you.”

I roll my eyes, “Alright.”

“Strip to your boxers.”

I don’t argue, because if I do she’ll be here longer. I take off my hoodie exposing my scars and cuts and then my shirt and pants, I chuckle,  “I was going to change into my pajama’s anyway.”

She cracks a small smile and scans me with her eyes, then goes to my back and then comes around to the front, “Okay, you seem fine, he didn’t seem to touch you.”

“That’s because he _didn’t_.”

Now is her turn to roll her eyes, “Do you want dinner?”

“Leave it out, I’ll have some at some random time.”

“Alright,” with that she leaves and I gather my clothes and stuff them in my hamper. I go over to my drawers and pull out a wifebeater and some blue fuzzy pacman bottoms. I put them on and sit on my bed and pull my laptop out, getting ready to do my homework.

_turntechGodhead added you as a chum_

_I wonder who this could be? Oh, it must be Dave._ I roll my eyes and get into my pesterchum and see that Dave is online. I hesitate and think, _should I pester him? Oh, what the heck, I will._

_ectoBiologist began pestering turntechGodhead_

eB: hey, dave right?

eB: just making sure it you

tG: yeah, its me

tG: dave that it

eB: oh, cool!

eB: whats up?

tG: oh nothing much

tG: just working on some mixing stuff for this one class

eB: same, im getting into the internet for some research on hair types and what not

tG: sounds interesting

eB: yeah

eB: like, they want to know what hair color your most into and stuff

tG: oh okay

eB: I guess im into blondes, I don’t really know

_What? Okay, um. Keep your cool John. What, why the hell are you getting all flustered? keep your face cool you little stupid shit._

tG: im into mostly dark haired people

tG: sometimes lighter if im in the mood or they just strike me as interesting

_Mood? Interesting?_

tG: i have to write a rap, im pretty good at It I guess but its whatever you know?

eB: I guess

eB: hey, can I ask you something?

tG: sure, shoot

eB: why were you so upset earlier?

eB: was it something I did or said?

tG: ..no

tG: it was nothing you did

eB: then what was it?

eB: I won’t push

eB: if you don’t want to talk about it

tG: your too cute

_I blush, my eyes wide._

tG: its just..

tG: this fucking girl in my last hour

tG: vriska, she’s such a pain in my neck

tG: telling me to stay away from you

tG: telling me shit about my past

tG: about how I abused you and I shouldn’t be alive

tG: I fucking know I should be alive for doing that to you

tG: don’t think I know that bitch?

tG: god

eB: im sorry

tG: huh?

eB: I told her what you did to me, she was worried about me and stuff and I guess only said those things to you because she had something done like that to her too

eB: don’t tell her I told you okay?

tG: ..okay

tG: look john

tG: I like you okay?

tG: I do

tG: I want to be by your side as a friend

tG: I want to hug you

tG: play video games together

tG: take you out on friend dates

tG: run my fingers through your hair and hug you tightly when your scared to death of something

tG: im sorry for what I did and I want to make it all up to you

tG: can you even take me into your heart and forgive me?

I thought about it and took in a deep breath, exhaling.

eB: yes

eB: I’ll see you tomorrow okay?

tG: tomorrows Saturday

eB: exactly

_ectoBiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead_


	12. Not planned accordingly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat enters the picture again. Things go down. Things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like writing P.O.V's at the beginning of my story. don't like it, not to be rude but, don't read. Everyone has a different writing style okay?

John’s P.O.V

_When I set plans, nothing seems to go right, you know? I woke up at ten on Saturday and took a nice hot shower, even though they burned my wrists. I got dressed into something nice, it was a cold front here in Gainesville, dropping as low as thirty nine, a new record or something. I got dressed in a winter blazer with a t-shirt underneath, pants and blue vans. It was something simple, plus I wanted to stay warm._

I got my laptop and get into pesterchum, pestering Dave.

_ectoBiologist began pestering turntechGodhead_

eB: hey dave

eB: you up?

tG: yeah im here

tG: finally a day off you know?

eB: haha, yeah!

eB: so, do you want to go anywhere or hang out here?

tG: with your friends hating on me, no thanks

eB: well, two out of three say they will give you a chance

tG: oh?

tG: well that’s good to hear

eB: mhm

eB: its really up to you

tG: how about we go see a movie or something?

eB: hm

eB: okay

eB: then coffee maybe?

tG: sounds good

tG: I’ll come pick you up alright?

tG: give me like ten minutes or so

tG: address please

eB: oh, right!

I gave him my address and ceased pestering him, telling him that I would be waiting outside the apartment. I gave him my number just in case too. I started to pack anything I might need in a little backpack. My wallet, a notebook, a few pens. I liked writing down my feelings when the mood was right.

I went downstairs and to the kitchen, grabbing a cereal bar and opened it, chewing on it.

_Every boyfriend is the one, until otherwise proven~_

_The good are never easy, the easy never good~_

_And loving never happens like you think it really should~_

That was my phone, and its going off in my pocket. I fumble for it and see it’s a number that I’ve never seen before, it’s an area code from this area and I furrow my brows. Im hesitant to answer, but I do anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this..” Pause “John _Egdert?_ ”

“You mean, _Egbert_?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes, this is, may I ask who’s calling?”

A huff, “This is that fucking waiter you stupidly gave your number to, first of all you don’t give out your number to random strangers like me, I could be a serial killer for all you know! Second, I just want to tell you that you’re so fucking stupid for-“

“You’re welcome.”

A pause.

“Hello? Are you still there?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, um, let me just save your number and we’ll plan something later alright?”

“Why can’t we do something today?” he asks in a grumpy tone.

I burst out into a giggle fit, this causes him to curse at me. I kinda get caught off guard at this since no one has ever been _Shut the fuck up John before I punch your overbite out_ to me, but I guess he was just joking.

“Why? Well because I have something planned with Dave, the guy you met at the restaurant.”

“Oh.”

He sounds disappointed.

“Well maybe later then, maybe just me and you?” the guy asks, his name is Karkat I believe.

I think, and Dave is probably going to hate me for this, but I don’t want to leave Karkat hanging too, “Why don’t you come along? And then later or something we’ll do stuff later? get to know each other better.”

A pause.

“Hey, man, Karkat you there.”

“Yeah, sorry, I spaced out.”

“So is that a yes?”

“Yeah, sounds interesting.”

“Alright, cool, I’ll let you know whats going on okay?”

“But whats the plan originally?”

“Movie and coffee afterwards.”

“Okay, just let me know where and I’ll meet you guys there.”

I smile, “Okay, but Karkat”

“Bye _Egderp_.”

“It’s _Egbert_.”

“I know.”

I blush and the line goes dead. I tap my phone off and lock it and put it back in my pocket, leaning on the counter, finishing my cereal bar. I grab a water from the fridge and leave a note saying I’m going out with _you know who_ and another friend. I grab my lanyard with my key on it and snap it around my neck, leaving the apartment and locking it up.

I jog down the stairs and wait outside, shoving my hands in my pocket because my fingers automatically start to go numb. I look around and smile, making little pants of breath circles with the air. I giggle, but think, _where is Dave?_

 _Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!_ Go Mordecai and Rigby.

My text tone goes off and I see its Dave.

_Hey what’s the password for your apartment complex?_

_Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! It’s 3355 pound._

_Thanks I’ll be there in a minute._

I stand there kicking a rock with my foot and hear a motor start to round the corner. I look up and see its Dave, this time with a helmet on and another attached to the back of the bike. He pulls into an empty space and pulls off the helmet. No fair. He pulls off the helmet and only a few strands of hair are out of place, Why is it when I put on the helmet my hair is like a nest?

But then I realize something. When he takes off the helmet he doesn’t have the shades on. My heart skips a beat and I clear my throat. Dave opens his eyes and smiles, I take a few steps forward and finally, I get to see the awaited eye color of the man I _once_ loved.

They are a rust brownish color. He has long lashes and without those shades on I finally notice the sun freckles across his nose after all these years.

He is drop dead gorgeous.

“You ready?” he asks.

My lower lip starts to quiver and I _needed_ to keep my composure, I crack a smile the best way I could, “Yeah, ready as I’ll ever be.”

I go around to the bike and hold onto Dave’s hips as I get on and grab the helmet. Before putting it on I say, “By the way, I invited Karkat.”

“What? That waiter guy?” he asks kinda annoyed.

“Yeah, you got a problem with that?”

_Why am I playing the defensive card?_

A pause, “No, I just hope you can handle an asshole like him.”

“And like you’re not?”

My mouth is open about an inch, _what the fuck did I just say?_

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry Dave, it just came out, I didn’t-“

Dave turned to me with a smile, “it’s alright John, we’re only human right? Things come out that are not supposed to. It’s okay, really.”

I blush and look away, “Okay, again, I’m sorry.”

“stop it bro, put on your helmet, we’ll miss the movie.”

I nod and put on the helmet. _What’s that smell? Perfume?_ I wrap my arms around Dave’s waist and lock my hands over his stomach, holding on tightly as he backed up.

Silent tears ran down my cheeks as the perfume engulfed my nostrils. I finally have seen the eyes who I have loved for so very long, but have come to hate.

So why these feelings rising up again?

Who’s perfume was this?

Why does Dave have to be so god damn nice and calm and forgiving and so fucking stupid?

These thoughts ran through my mind as I shivered through the cold blaring wind with fear, fear of the unknown. Dave stopped at a stop light and turned to my shivering figure.

_Stop it John, act cool._

“You okay?” he asked.

I nodded, lost for words.

He hesitated before turning back around and going on the green light. My tears stopped and I had gotten ahold of myself. He pulled into a space and got off the bike, helping me get off. He took off his helmet and fished in his pocket for his shades. I took off my helmet and my face and hair looked such a mess. I rubbed my face and fixed my hair quickly and put on my glasses.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Dave asks again.

“Yeah, fine.”

I start to walk to the movie theater entrance and I don’t even know what movie we are seeing. I get out my phone and call Karkat.

“Hello?”

“Hey Karkat, it’s John.”

“I have your number saved you know.”

“Oh, okay, um, well, we’re at the movies.”

“Oh, that was quick. What movie theater?”

“Oak wood plaza.”

“I’ll be there in a few.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

I hung up an turn to Dave who is looking at me, I sigh, “Look, I know what you’re thinking.”

“Hm, oh really now?”

“Yes, you’re thinking how you just wanted it to be me and you. But you know its cool to have another person too, I’m trying to get to know Karkat.”

“That’s not what I was thinking.”

I blush, “Oh, it’s not?”

“No.”

Silence.

“I was thinking about how you were shaking and how it was not from the cold wind, something is on your mind.”

I look away.

“Im not going to push at what, but always remember that im here for you John.”

 _You were never there for me when I need you the most though,_ I think. I take in a shaky breath and this gets Dave’s attention, he takes a step closer to me and I hang my head down, not wanting to look at him.

“John?”

“Don’t stare at me I’m feeling uncomfortable.”

I hear him clear his throat, “Was it too early to hang out?”

I shake my head, “My depression is kicking in, don’t mind it, don’t mind me.”

Dave takes my chin by his index finger and tips it up so I’m looking at him. I blush and want to look away but I know if I do Dave will tell me to look at him. Dave brushes my hair away from my face and pushes it back from my forehead. I feel my fingers start to go numb and my teeth chattering inside my mouth.

“Well I guess I’m going to have to make that depression go away huh?” he says.

Dave smirks and places both of his index fingers inside his mouth and pulls at his mouth like he’s a fish hooked, then starts making weird noises.

I stare at him then burst into a major giggle fit.

“Oh my gosh what are you doing?”

He takes out his fingers then starts to dance in strides “Making you feel better.”

I cover my smile with my hand and look away, but occasionally look back to giggle at him. He moves his strides close to me and takes me by the waist and dips me. I hold onto him and squeak loudly. He brings me up to a regular stance and smiles, getting down on one knee and taking my hand, kissing my knuckles.

“I’m always here to talk.”

I blush a light pink and nod.

A beeping interrupts us and I turn to see Karkat, “Hey, I’m going to go park okay?”

“Oh,” a chuckle “alright.”

Dave gets up and stands next to me as we watch the red beat up old car go park. Karkat gets out and locks his car and then walks towards us, taking his sweet ass time to cross the street with cars waiting on his behind.

He hops up on the curb and smiles at me, this is actually the first time I’ve seen him smile “Hey John.”

“Hi, Karkat.”

Karkat looks around, “So what movie are we seeing?”

“It’s a group decision,” Dave says.

“Oh , alright,” Karkat goes over to the ticket counter and looks at the movies, “I guess Breaking Dawn looks good, so does the Hobbit, uh, and Wreck it Ralph.”

I walk over standing next to Karkat, I glance over and I’m a little taller than him, finally, not the shortest guy in the group.

“I wanna go see Breaking Dawn,” I say.

Dave walks over, “I like W.R, but I’ll deal with Breaking Dawn.”

Karkat shrugs, “Breaking Dawn it is.”

We get in line and we’re the only ones there, Oak wood plaza movie theater is a huge movie theater but usually not very busy in the morning. Dave says two for Breaking Dawn and pays for the tickets. The ticket attendant gives gave the tickets and he stands off to the side, I go over to him and pout.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why do you always have to pay for me?”

“Cause that’s what friends do.”

Karkat comes over and looks annoyed, he hands me a movie ticket, or so I thought. It was a free small popcorn with a purchase of a drink.

I smile and hug Karkat, excited, “Thanks Karkat!”

“Ugh, you’re welcome, now please get off.”

I do what I’m told and get off him, _oh yeah I don’t really know him, maybe I shouldn’t start getting in his personal bubble until we start getting to know each other._

The three of us go inside and Karkat says he’s going to go scope out the movie theater and what not. I stay in line while Dave is kinda off to the side leaning on the wall watching me, watching people, watching me. Someone helps me and I get the popcorn and drink no sweat. I pay for it with my own money and give Dave a playful glare to stay away if he comes and interferes.

I hold the drink with three straws in it and Dave holds the popcorn, we go to Theater four where Karkat is standing outside of, Karkat runs up to me and smiles. His smiles are to die for when he’s not grumpy.

“The theaters are so fracken big man!”

I smile at his enthusiasm, Dave, Karkat and I walk in and the previews are already starting.

“Where do you wanna sit?” Dave asks me.

“Oh, middle?”

“Alright.”

We move to the middle and the order is Karkat, Dave, Me. Then comes the seating arrangements. Im about to sit down when Karakt says “I want to sit next to John.”

Dave looks at him, some type of glare and I elbow him and give him a dirty look, I then smile at Karkat, “Sure, I’ll sit in the middle.”

I reach over Dave to hand Karkat the Drink and I move past Dave, except the thing is when I do, our crotches brush each other and I kinda want to faint. I blush and im glad that the lights are dimmed down. We all take our seats and the feature presentation says it will begin.

“Ah man we missed most of the previews,” Karkat says.

I giggle and put my feet up on the seat in front of me.

Thirty minutes into the movie and I was getting hot. I look around, it’s just Karkat and Dave with me. I take off my jacket and hang it on the back of the chair. I’m glued to the movie, watching the vampires sparkle in the sunlight and what not, but when I feel the touch of fingers on my forearm, feeling my cuts and scars? I internally start to freak out. It’s not Karkat, its Dave.

I don’t want to scream at him, we are in a movie theater for heaven’s sake. But the way he’s touching me..

Its sending chills up and down my spine, and I’m not liking this. I feel exposed, I feel violated, and all I want to do is to hit Dave.

I hear Dave sniffle, and look over at him and he’s crying. I look at him and now I feel like crying too.

“What? Your crying because of twilight?” Karkat asks.

“I just really like this movie, okay?”

I know Dave is lying to protect me, I move my hand into Dave’s and lace mine with his. He squeezes my hand tightly and I hear him hiccup.

I want to say I’m sorry, I should of never taken off my jacket, he didn’t need to _feel_ my problem.


	13. so, Coffee and feels?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings occur, and in turn things happen. Dave can't handle his feelings anymore for the innocent blue eyed male and he lets loose his feelings.
> 
> Just a reminder, AU.

Dave’s P.O.V

The _feel_ of Johns cuts sent me over the edge, I just let it all out. I lost my cool, calm collect personnel, but kept my breathing stationed in a calm pattern. I didn’t want to give anything away to that Karkat guy. I was holding John’s hand, letting the tears fall down my cheeks.

 _There are so many of them_ , I thought.

I wanted to see them, but I would only put myself in more of a fucking hurt than now. Why do I do this to myself?

I cleared my throat was about to protest when John let go of my hand, I turned to him to see that he was putting on his jacket, oh, it was the end of the movie.

I wasn’t even watching. I was too busy being a snotty little cry baby.

I wanted to shoot myself in the foot for making John even _think_ about picking up a razor.

We all got up and John was talking to Karkat about how the fight was actually a vison, he was totally fooled and…

His voice caressed me so deeply, I wanted to hold him. Tell him it was going to be alright. I would gladly take all of his pain away from which I caused over the past four years.

“Dave.”

I cleared my throat _, I’d gladly take all of those cuts and gashes and scars._

“Dave.”

I’d-

“Yo fuckface!”

I picked my head up, John looked worried and Karkat just looked annoyed, “Hm, what?”

“Do you have to go to the bathroom?” John asked with his big worried blue eyes.

“Uhm,” I thought about it, “Actually, yes.”

Karkat didn’t go in, so it was just John and I, now came the awkward thought of, _should I pee next to him, or a few urinals down?_

Ugh, I hated this.

John took the one at the end, and I took the one that serrated us. We both unzipped and I took in a deep breath trying to relax. John was having a little of a hard time too relaxing.

This was so dreadfully awkward.

We both stared straight ahead, but my eyes began to trail downwards and off to the side to John.

Lower, and lower and..

I jerked my eyes forward, _shit Dave what the fuck do you think you’re doing?_

I close my eyes and begin to relax, the sound of peeing is not all that pleasant, but it sure does relieve you.

I shake twice, cause three times now your just playing with yourself, and tuck little me away and go to wash my hands. John is done and is now washing his hands as well. I feel my heart beat start to rise and I tell myself to cool it down, what we’re these feelings for?

We exit the bathroom and Karkat is waiting, “So, coffee?” he asks.

“Yeah, Starbucks sound okay?” John asks the group.

“Sure,” I say.

We leave the movie theater and John goes with me on the bike as Karkat follows to the nearest Starbucks, we park next to each other and head inside the coffee joint. The smell of roasted coffee beans and pleasant music are nice, and its cozy to find that there are nice comfortable chairs to sit in.

We get in line and I lean into John’s ear and whisper, “I got your drink alright?”

I don’t see him since I’m behind him, but I can just imagine that he’s blushing that cute innocent dust of pink, his eyes wide and now averting his eyes, biting his bottom lip with his two large front teeth.

“I’ll have large coffee, black, a lot of sugar,” says Karkat, and pays for it, then goes to wait over by the pickup area,

John is up, “Um, a small mocha frap please.”

My turn, “A small vanilla bean.”

I get out my money and pay for the two drinks, going over to where John and Karkat are and wait for the drinks, they are out within minutes and we go over to a leather couch and all sit on it. John takes one corner at the end, I take the middle, and Karkat takes the other end.

We talk, for a good two hours, girls flirting with us, chilling time, you know the usual. But what really got me the most was that when I asked John if he wanted to come over my house, he seemed stuck.

“He said he would hang out with me later,” Karkat said.

John looked away, embarrassed.

I felt…hurt.

Of course John had more than one friend, I was just keeping him all to myself. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, “Oh, well, alrig-“

“Oh! I forgot Dave and I have a thing to do at his house Karkat, im sorry, I forgot.”

_Huh?_

I look at John and he eyes me, winking.

My heart flutters.

_Fuck off feelings, god I’m trying to enjoy this moment._

Karkat groans, “Ugh fine, Just text or call me whenever John, I await the time when we actually hang out one on one.”

John smiles and hugs Karkat who is hesitant but hugs back, we all exit together, but do not leave or go the same way together. Karkat goes one way, John and I go another. It takes about five minutes from Starbucks to my apartment, there’s no code, you want just waltz right in.

I park my bike next to my roommates car and chain up the helmets once John gives me his. We walk up the stairs and I unlock the door.

“My roommate is probably sleeping, so we have to be a bit quiet okay?” I say.

John nods and I lead him up to my room, it’s fairly large with a large king sized bed, a TV, a few game systems, stuff of that sorts to keep myself and friends entertained. John sits on my bed and looks around, “Nice room,” he says.

“Thanks, do you want something to drink?”

He chuckles, “considering that we just came from Starbuck? Not really, but I’ll take a coke,” he chuckles.

I nod, this gives me an excuse to do something. I leave the bedroom and go downstairs and to the thermostat, and crank it up.

“I’m sorry John, I need to see.”

I grab a two cokes from the fridge and go back upstairs, I close my bedroom door and toss him a coke, “There you go.”

“Thanks.”

I sit on the bed and hear the heater turn on, this scares John and he looks at me, “What was that?”

“Oh, the heat, my roommate likes it kinda hot sometimes.”

This makes John uncomfortable and he shifts on the bed. I watch him as we talk and I see him start to get hot. He pulls at his shirt to let some hot steam out.

“Wow its getting hot in here.”

“You can take off your jacket if you’d like?”

John looks away, “O-Okay.”

John looks at me with sad, innocent blue eyes, “Promise me you will not judge?”

I nod, “I promise.”

John clears his throat and takes off the blazer slowly, ever so slowly. That’s when I see it, the collage of scars and redness and freshly new cuts. He looks away and holds his arms together.

“That feels much better.”

I take my hand and gently take his wrist, turning his forearm towards me, looking at the scars. John seems uncomfortable, and, and, he’s crying.

I embrace him into a tight hug, but careful not to hurt his arms, “John, im sorry.”

He sniffles, “It’s okay.”

“No its not!” I say kinda loudly, making John jump, “Its my fault and I wish I could take it all back,” I pull away, looking at him through my shades, he’s searching my shades for my eyes and I don’t want him to see my eyes.

“I..”

I can’t take it anymore.

I tip John’s chin up, graze my index finger across his smooth lightly dusted pink cheek, lean in and place my lips on his. I kiss him. I kiss John Egbert. My heart flutters and it feels so right, I can’t explain it, it just does! Fuck, fuck. I open my mouth a little bit, letting in my tongue.

The funny thing? _John lets me_.


	14. Legit fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings happen, and in turn, touchy feely happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting all of my chapters then going back and re-reading all of them. Then fixing the mistakes.

John’s P.O.V

It’s a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time, the feeling of someone’s lips on mine. My first kiss was with Dave, and now? It was with Dave again. Was he just playing me? Or was this for real? I wasn’t too sure. But it sure _felt_ real. There was a knot in my heart, a knot in my stomach, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

He was kissing me, and now with tongue, _what should I do?_

Dave pulled back and took off his shades, tossing them on the other side of the bed, he pushed me back on the bed and got on top of me.

_What’s going on?_

Dave took one of my scared filled arms and placed my hand on his cheek, he was crying, sobbing, telling me to stop.

My eyes filled up with tears, I tried to shake them away.

“I’m not going to stop Dave, I told you.”

More tears fell from the blondes eyes, I felt terrible, and my wrists burned.

He held out my arm and placed his lips on my gashes, my cuts, my scars. He was kissing them ever so softly. I squirmed, “St-Stop it Dave.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Dave said over and over between kisses.

I felt tears run down from my face as he now hovers over me, I felt a few tears from him land on my cheeks. Dave leaned in and placed his lips on mine, kissing me strongly.

I turn my head, breaking the kiss, “Dave, I can’t do this, I don’t like you like this, I’m not into guys.”

Dave turned his head, biting his lip, “I think I love you John.”

My lower lip quivered, “I don’t believe you.”

“Please, let me show you.”

My eyes widened, tears filled my eyes and I _screamed_ at the top of lungs for him to get off of me, struggling underneath him.

“No, please, John! Not like that I promise!” Dave said reassuringly.

I breathed in and out in pants and shut my eyes tightly, “Just do it.”

“Huh? Do what?”

“ _Take me_ , I know you must want to. To satisfy yourself and your sick pleasures, to torture me and my heart, you don’t _care_ for me all you want to do is to see me suffer!” I scream.

Dave places a hand on my forehead and kisses my cheek, “No, I’m not that kind of guy anymore, I promise.”

I don’t take the chance of opening my eyes, I’m scared and I don’t know what to do in this situation.

Dave gets off of me and lays next to me, taking me in his arms and holding me tightly, I curl up into a ball into his chest, my teeth chattering.

“Please trust me John, I want to make you feel good. But not in a way that you will hate, I want it to be consensual and I want you to love every minute of it.”

“I’m scared Dave,” I choke out.

“Please tell me of what.”

“Of falling in love with you again.”

Dave hugs me tightly, im shaking and panting and all I want to do is cut right at this moment. Dave pets my hair and hums softly to me. I want him to stop.

“Dave I want to go home.”

“..Please stay a little longer.”

I sniffle, looking up at him “You’ll just take advantage of me.”

Dave shook his head, “I want to kiss you, yes, I want to touch you, yes. But take advantage of you without your permission? As I said, I’m not that type of guy anymore John, please, you have to believe me.”

My teeth chatter and I avert my eyes, I pause for a long time and burry my face in Dave’s chest, “Okay.”

“Okay you believe me?”

I nod, “And you can kiss me,” I mumble.

Dave takes my head from his chest and smiles softly at me, “When you want me to stop please let me know,” he says.

I nod and he leans in, kissing me. I feel uncomfortable for a few moments of this act, but after Dave starts to add tongue and run his fingers through my hair? I start to enjoy it a little more. He places his knee in between my legs and I tense up a bit, he stops.

“Is that okay?”

I nod, “Continue.”

I decided not to go with Vriska’s option to punch him, because Dave was a changed man, and I was trusting him a bit more.

Kissing Dave was feeling more natural, like peeing or something. I felt the warm knot in my stomach start to electrify more and more each time I heard the sound of salvia swapping. I pant into the kiss and by this time im getting a bit arroused.

“Wa..”

“Wa..”

I can’t get it out.

I’m getting hard.

My heart beat is rising and I feel the tent in my pants start to get tighter, “Dave,” I moan in between the kiss, “Wait, stop.”

He stops, looking at me, “Yes? Was that okay?”

My bottom lip starts to quiver and Dave places his hand on my jaw, “What’s wrong?”

I look away, “I’m hard.”

Dave looks down and blushes, then looking back up at me, “What do you want to do?” he asks.

“I don’t know, I just can’t leave it it’ll hurt.”

A pause, “I’ll take care of it if you want.”

My eyes go wide and I search his eyes to see if he’s mocking me, he’s not. I decide _: I trust him._

I nod and Dave tells me to sit at the edge of the bed, I do as im told and Dave is on his knees in front of me. I feel awkward as I watch him undo my belt, unbutton and unzip my pants and reach into my boxers. His cold fingers grasp my penis and I gasp softly. It’s been four years since someone has touched me like this, let alone being hard.

“I’m going to suck you alright?” he says asking for my permission.

I blush crimson and nod, clearing my throat.

Dave doesn’t waste time and automatically licks the shaft, getting every inch and stopping at the head where he teases the slit with his tongue. He sucks on only the head as now he is pumping and fondling me. I let out a girlish gasping shriek, and see he’s watching me. I turn my head away and grasp the sheets with my hands.

Dave goes on to deep throat me, this gets my full attention and I start to moan his name, I feel kind of dirty for some reason. Dave squeezes my balls and I curl my toes as he is going at uneven paces with the deep throating.

“Ahh..”

“Mmm..”

I moan his name over and over, my hand finding its way to Dave’s head and I knot my hand in Dave’s hair. He is sucking the head and deep throating, licking the shaft and then deep throating.

I have to give him warning, I’m going to cum.

“Dave,” I moan, “Im going to cum.”

Dave only pumps me now, opening his mouth and I can’t bear to watch him as my white sticky substance shoots out and into his mouth, getting some on his face. He swallows it and looks at me, I look at him and feel myself shaking.

“Do you feel better?” he asks.

I nod, tears falling from my face.

“Why are you crying?” he asks getting concerned taking his thumb and wiping the cum off of his face and likcing his finger clean.

“It felt great, thank you.”

Dave smiled, “You're welcome,” Dave rubbed the back of his neck, “Do you still want to leave?”

I look down into my lap, putting away little me, “Can I actually spend the night?”


	15. Feelings and touching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave wakes up with a susprise, He wants John to help him, but he know he won't. So he does it himself, cuddlefucks and kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always a reminder: AU. Things get worse before they get better (not in this chapter, this chapter is just like, touchy feely .-. )

Dave’s P.O.V

So it’s something that happens at night when everyone is asleep, you dream. It can be nightmares, it can be nice dreams. It can be whatever you want. But for the first time I dreamed about John and I doing the nasty. It was vivid, it was steamy, and it felt real.

It was 3:03 AM when I woke up with wood.

I glare down and it and run my fingers through my hair as I look at it standing up, then over at the sleeping figure breathing softly in my bed.

John wanted to spend the night, and we had a blast playing video games and watching movies. He met my roommate Terezi who is in college for Criminal Justice, and she ordered out Chinese food.

But now? I had this problem to take care of. I removed the covers from my body and swung my legs off the bed. But as I was about to stand up, I felt a hand on mine and turned to see John looking at me.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“Oh, um, I have something to take care of.”

“That doesn’t sound like peeing.”

I looked away, “It’s not, I’m sorry for having a dream like this with you here.”

“It’s fine, go take care of it.”

Part of me really wanted John to say, _H_ _ey Dave I’ll take care of it for you_ , but I knew that that wouldn’t happen anytime soon.

I nod and lean over giving a kiss on his cheek, I head to the bathroom and close the door leaning on the wall and wasting no time.

I take out my cock and began to stroke it with long strokes of vigor. I bit my bottom lip as my legs began to shake, I massaged the head, teasing the slit with my thumb. I closed my eyes and let out a moan, tilting my head back.

_Pushing John’s legs apart and seeing him look at me with that scared look, but I told him it was alright and kissed him as I lined my cock up with his entrance._

My dream entered my mind and I began to stroke faster, sliding down on the wall. Vigorous strokes and loud moans left my mouth as I began to imagine touching John and entering him. I curled my toes and with my free hand started to explore my chest.

“Ahhh, _John_ ” I moaned.

I shut my eyes tight as I felt a warm knot in my stomach, I let out one last moan of John’s name and felt my white cum shoot out all over my hand and drop down over my boxers and get on my shirt.

I look down, “Well, shit.”

I grab a tissue and start to clean myself up, then get up and wash my hands. I go out to my room and strip down till im naked and get in some new clothes and lay back on the bed with John, but the thing is I see him shaking, this worries me.

“What’s wrong John?” I ask wrapping my arms around him.

John’s back is in my chest and I just feel him shaking like a leaf, “I really didn’t want to hear you.”

Oh.

“It’s only to natural to do that to the one you love, I know your scared of your feelings towards touching yourself, but maybe if you explore it?” I move my fingers down to John’s pants, “May I help you? You can say no if you want.”

John takes in a deep breath and places his hands over mine, “I..I really don’t know what to do, I can’t make up my mind.”

“Can I make it up for you?”

John nods and I start to unbutton his pants, then unzipping them I pull them down, palming him. John gasps and buries his head in the nearest pillow. I smile and start to kiss his neck, taking out John’s cock and wrapping my fingers around it. I hear him moan and I whisper in his ear, “Let it out, I want to hear you.”

John squeaks as I squeeze his shaft a little too hard, and began teasing his slit with my thumb. I could imagine him blushing a deep red from embarrassment. I go back to stroking him with vigor now at a reasonable pace, I kiss his neck and start sucking on it, hard. I hear him moan and it turns me on.

I let go of his neck and look at it, a nice big purple and red hickey, I smile at my accomplishment. John looks back at me with lustful eyes, something real. He was letting his guard down and this made me happy, I was getting let into John’s feelings.

I kiss him, letting my tongue explore his mouth while I stroke him, he cringes and throws his head back in pleasure, I felt him climax in my hands and I caught almost all of it with my hand, then bringing it to my mouth and licking my hand clean. This made john blush and look away.

“Why do you do that?”

“Because I like the way you taste.”

He makes an indescribable noise and sets his head on the pillow, fixing himself again. I wrap my arms around him and snuggle into him, “Can I take you on a date John?”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because, in order to win your heart I need to take you on dates and get to know you better. This touching and sex thing just happened and it really shouldn’t have, we should get to know each other better, and by that, I need to take you out to dinner and such.”

John was quiet, thinking? “Um, okay.”

I smile, “Great, now let’s get some sleep, I have a big day of planning a date tomorrow.”


	16. Above & Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave takes John one a date, but in the next chapter? ...Things don't go as they seem.

John’s P.O.V

_The thing is about dreams, I think I’ve actually had a nice one in all the four years of the nightmares. Where Dave was always the monster and I was always on the run. But now? This dream was the most joyous feeling I have ever gone though. The feeling of the one you like and are letting in not terrorizing you? It’s a pretty great feeling._

_It all started at a park. Dave set up a picnic underneath a tree and I chuckled saying how he thought of everything. He packed sandwiches, drinks, and a little radio so we could listen to some music. But it started to rain, pour down, and we had to leave. Dave took my hand and we his underneath a building overhang. I felt myself blushing as I was being held in his arms and, and he tipped my chin up and kissed me._

My eyes slowly opened, a smile on my face. I placed my hand on my burning up cheek and buried my face in the pillow next to me. I propped myself up on my elbows and looked around for Dave, he was nowhere in sight. I checked my phone for the time and-

_Oh shit._

_Forty seven missed calls, one hundred and three missed texts._

It was a Varity from Rose and Jade, asking where I was and when I would be home. I ran my fingers through my hair and texted Jade telling her that my phone would be off and that I would be spending the weekend with Dave, I was finding myself and trying to let him in just a bit.

She texted back, _take as much time as you need lovebucket :)_

I turned off my phone and stretched, getting off his bed and using the bathroom. I wiped my wet hands on my jeans and put on my blazer, because I didn’t want my cuts to be out in the open around Terezi. I go down stairs to see Dave setting the table.

“Hey, what are you doing?” I ask.

He smiles and puts the white rose in the small vase, the same color of the first rose he gave me. He comes over to me and pinches my cheek, “I made breakfast for us.”

I shoo his hand away and smile just a bit, “Thanks, you didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

I go over to the chair and Dave pulls it out for me, I blush and sit down in it. He’s being awfully gentlemen like. I scoot in and Dave takes the chair next to me. I hold out my plate and he gives me some eggs, it looks like a good omelet. Then he gives me some sausage and some strawberries.

I smile, “Thank you,” and set my plate down in front of me. I take the first bite and my eyes lite up. I look towards Dave who is just waiting for my response on his cooking.

“Very good! I really like it!” I say.

Dave throws his fist up in the air, “Yes!”

I giggle and take another bite, Dave serves himself some food and we talk about various things about what we’re going to do today. I shrug and say I would really like to do something fun.

Dave nods, “I know exactly what to do.”

“Oh? What?”

He smirks “You’ll see.”

I make a confused face but shrug and nod. We got on to talk about more various things, like likes and dislikes, and he has me in a few gigglefits. I take a moment to take in the essence of Dave and how he is making me feel. He is making me feel like a friend should, but, there’s that little bit that’s peeking up that is like: _Hey I like you_.

We are done with breakfast and Dave starts to clean up, I ask him if needs help as I hop up and sit on the counter next to him.

“Nah, I got this.”

“C’mon, I’ll dry you wash?”

He chuckles, “Sure.”

We do this for ten minutes and it would of taken longer if I hadn’t said anything. We make our way up to his room and I ask what Terezi Is doing. He says she is at her job, which is a filer at a law firm. I sit on his bed and see a semen stain on my side and blush madly, thinking about what Dave and I have done. I think that it’s wrong and that I am straight, right? But then there’s that feeling of liking Dave a little more than I should. _My feelings confuse me._

I start to strip his sheets and he turns in his swivel chair, “What are you doing?” he asks.

“I’m going to wash your sheets.”

“Why?”

I blush and avert my gaze, “There are stains on it.”

I see Dave blushing a light pink and he nods “The washer and dryer are in a closet across from the kitchen downstairs,” he says.

I nod and go downstairs and find the washer, stuffing the sheets in and putting it on a small load and adding the detergent. It is now doing its thing and I go back upstairs to get a glimpse of Dave looking at a colorful page on his laptop. He closes it and turns to me, “We leave at two,” he says with a smile.

I quirk an eyebrow and look at the clock on his desk, 10:46 AM, “Okay, what do you want to do until then?” I ask.

“We can play video games, watch movies on Netflix, go out and get some coffee, whatever you wanna do.”

I give him a smirking look, “How about we _make_ coffee and _then_ watch Netflix?”

He chuckles, “Sure.”

We both go downstairs and he starts to make the coffee, but instead its espresso. I ask him why espresso and he says we’ll need it for where we’ll be going. I nod not really sure what he had in mind. He made two whole pots of espresso and we go upstairs putting on _James and the giant peach_.

I drink two cups of espresso and sit lay next to Dave who is also drinking espresso. We watch the movie and im getting hyped up on my fourth cup. My eyes are going places and I want to move my fingers, but I would find that annoying so I move my leg instead. I breath in and glance over to Dave _, I want to mess with him_.

I keep hitting my leg against his and he looks over, “Yes?”

“I’m jittery.”

“I see that, what do you want do about that?”

“Play.”

“ _Play?”_

“Yes, play with me,” I sit on my knees and smile, then pinning Dave down with my hands, “C’mon, this is your fault anyways.”

“If I knew espresso did this to you I would have givin this to you way earlier,” Dave chuckles and pushes me off of him, switching the position and chuckling. He straddled me and pinned me by my shoulders.

I smile and take off his shades.

“Why do you want to take off my shades?”

“I want to see your eyes, I always wanted to see your eyes in high school and now I can,” I blurt out.

_Shit._

Dave smiles a sad smile and kisses my forehead, “I’ll make note of that.”

I giggle, “Thanks.”

We play for a bit, having a bit of a good ol time of just play wrestling. A couple times we were in awkward poses and we got off of each other saying sorry, but then went right back into it.

This one spot that Dave hit, made me moan like someone in pure ecstasy. I covered my mouth and blushed madly, turning my head away from him.

“Oh, I’m sorry John, I’ll try not to hit that spot again okay?”

I nod, but in all reality I kinda wanted him to.

_What?_

_Get out of my head, Ugh, why am I thinking like this?_

For some reason I was getting all hot and aroused and I excused myself from Dave who looked worried when I left to go use the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and held my head in my hands, panting, “Keep it together John, you cannot get all school girlish over some guy just because he’s showing some kinda interest in you.”

My depression hit, hard.

What if Dave is just playing me? What if he only wants to use me for sex? What if he’ll just dump me? I take in a shaky breath and feel tears start to well over.

I jump when I hear a knock at the door, “John are you okay?”

“U-ugh yeah!”

“I’m coming in.”

“Wait, no, please, I-“

He comes in and see’s my broken state, I turn my head and he kneels in front of me, placing his hands on my knees, “What’s wrong love?”

I smile, chuckling, “Ignore me Dave, it’s just my depression kicking in and my bad thoughts you know? It’ll go away.”

Dave hugs me from around the waist, “I don’t like it when you’re sad, I want you to be happy on our date day. And when you are sad that means I am not being a proper lover.”

_Lover?_

“Please be happy John.”

I smile and hug Dave who is hugging me, “I’ll try and be happy, I just don’t have my meds.”

“Do you want me to go get them?”

“I’ll be back there probably tomorrow, it’s okay.”

“Are you sure.”

I nod, “I’m feeling better because your hugging me.”

“Do you just want to lay on the bed, cuddle and watch movies?” he asks.

I smile, “That would be nice.”

We get up and head over to the bed, getting in the cuddling position and turning on a new movie. Wouldn’t you know it that I fall asleep right in the middle of the good part too? But at least I’m in Dave’s arms.

Dave is lightly shaking me to wake up and I look at him, smiling. _He is such a cutie when he smiles at me_. Dave helps me out of the bed and gives me clothes he says I can have. A red pull over hoodie with a red clockwork symbol on it and a red and black t-shirt.

I put it on and rub my eyes, Dave’s says to drink four cups of espresso before we leave and I do what I am told. When I am finished we leave and Dave locks up, we go over to his speed bike and it is the same thing each and every time.

He helps me on, he gets on, helmets then we’re off. We drive a long distance and I wonder where we are going. Then my eyes lit up, and I see the sign.

_Santa’s Enchanted forest._


	17. Santa baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW in this chapter. Jack Noir is introduced. Things happen. Get your comments out now, because just saying Jack had every reason to do what he did to make John scared as hell. Things happen on the date, and things go terribly wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm going to get comments on this chapter. Good? I don't know. Bad? Most likely. But It's all in the writing and the feelings.

John’s P.O.V

_We stayed there until it got very dark, but I could feel eyes on me you know? You know that feeling of sheer fear when you feel eyes on you? That’s kinda what I felt. Eyes following me, I even felt a hand rub up against me a few times, but I wondered who it was because Dave’s hand was laced within mine. There was this little group who was handing out flyers with a guy’s face on it, I was about to take it but Dave pulled me to a game, all I saw was the name Jack on it, and that he was a free convict._

“Let’s try this game okay?” Dave asked.

I nod and watch him throw the ball into the strike zone, reads sixty five miles per hour. He brushes his shoulder and smirks as the guy asks him what he wants, Dave turns to me and asks what I want. I shrug and smile softly, “Um, the brown bear.”

“The brown bear my good man!” Dave boasts.

I blush and I have never seen Dave act this way in my entire life, the man hands Dave the bear and Dave runs over to me embracing me with bear in the middle. I chuckle with Dave and we move onto the next game.

Soon we have a total of six big stuffed toys and two small ones, and a bagged fish. I am holding the fish and I turn to Dave, “What are we going to do with all of this?” I ask thinking about how on earth we are going to get this all on his speed bike.

Dave chuckles, “We keep it of course.”

I see a kid and I give the kid my bagged fish, she hugs my leg and shows her mom what I just gave her. I smile and go over to Dave, “What am I going to do with a carnival fish?”

Dave shrugs.

It is now eleven o clock and I am getting a bit tired, but I can see that Dave is having a blast and can still keep going. We sit at a bench with junk food consisting of pizza, ice cream and funnel cakes.

Dave talks about how he would like to go on another ride after this and I glare at him, “Are you nuts? After we eat this? I’m going to puke.”

I know Dave is rolling his eyes underneath his shades and I stick my tongue out at him as I lick my ice cream. Dave leans over and begins to lick my ice cream with me, I rolls my eyes but blush and pull away as our tongues touch with the white cream in the middle. Dave chuckles and licks the corner of my mouth.

I am stunned and turn my head away from embarrassment, Dave looks at me thinking he had done something wrong. I peek up at him and under the carnival lights I see a crimson blush start to form on his cheeks. Dave starts to lean into me and I lean into him, closing my eyes.

 _We’re in a public place_.

I open my eyes and sit back up straight, Dave looks crushed and I set my head on my arm that is on the bench table, “I’m sorry Dave, it’s just.. we’re in a public place you know? And since this is our first date and such I don’t want to kiss just yet, you know?”

Dave nods, “I understand, it’s not a problem.”

I smile and sit back up straight, but when I do my ice cream falls into my lap, I look down and curse under my breath. Dave says he will go get some napkins and I thank him. I just sit there with the ice cream in my lap soaking in my crotch. I blush as I look at it and feel the chilliness, I shiver and feel a hand on me.

That’s not Dave’s hand.

I look up to see a man with a scar over his face wearing a jester hat with a cigar in his mouth. He said to get up and I said in a shaky voice that _my friend will be back in a moment_.

He says he doesn’t care and says to come with him right this instant. I don’t argue and get up, the ice cream falling and he looks down and chuckles, I blush and look away as he takes me by the arm and takes me away. I have a moment to look back and see Dave looking confused as to where I have gone.

 _Help me Dave,_ I try and say telepathically.

I am in a locked bathroom, it is grungy and dirty. The guy says to get against the corner and I do. I look down at my feet but he says to look at him. I do, but then I don’t, then I do. I am terrified of this guy.

_What will he do to me?_

“I am Jack, Jack Noir. And you are John Egbert no?”

I nod, my bottom lip quivering.

“What I want you to do is simple,” he hands me a phone, “call your father and tell him that I have you hostage. Tell him that I want thirty thousand dollars in my account or you’ll be badly broken.”

I clear my throat and reach for the phone, then I realize that I cannot do that to my father. After all that he has done for me. So what do it do? I slap the phone out of his hands and spit at Jack with angry, but scared eyes.

Jack wipes off the spit, then hits me in the stomach, I ball over holding it and he grabs me by my hair. I close my eyes and then open them, “Please Mr. Noir, I’ll do anything if you just let me go. I’ll talk to my father and he can get you some money, you don’t have to hurt others to get what you want.”

Jack Noir blushed and I think I hit something, he smirks and gets closer to my face, “You thinking what I’m thinking D.D?”

The guy over in the corner nods, “That you might be interested in guys? Yup.”

My eyes widened and I put my hands up to his chest, trying to push him away. He pushed his lips onto mine, tasting me. He pushed his tongue down my mouth and I bit on it. But it didn’t seem to bother him so I bit down harder. He pulled away I see I drew blood, I smirked, wrong choice.

He grabbed at a knife and put it up to my neck, slicing a small section, “you’ll do what you’re told daddy’s boy, alright?”

Tears welled over, I nod.

“Good.”

He placed me on the wall, he was behind me and I was shaking, “Since I can’t get what I want you’ll just have to do. Your body is basically worth about maybe ten thousand? Let’s just see how tight you are though shall we?” he whispered in my ear.

“No! please!”

Jack ran his fingers up my hoodie, _Dave’s_ hoodie. He felt up my chest and toyed with my nipples making me moan, I quickly shut up. _Don’t give him the satisfaction_ , I thought.

He made his way to my pants and unbuckled them, unbuttoned them and unzipped them, shimming them down. He pulled out my penis and began to pump. My fingernails scraped the wall and I silently cried wishing Dave was here, but then not too. D.D, the guy in the corner told people through the door that it was closed for cleaning, the door also had a sign on it.

_Every boyfriend is the one, until otherwise proven~_

_The good are never easy, the easy never good~_

_And loving never happens like you think it really should~_

I freeze and realize that I never turned off my cell phone to begin with. Jack took it from my back pocket and answered it, “Hello?”

“Who the fuck is this?” It was Dave, and he sounded pissed.

“If you have taken the flyer and not gotten distracted by all the pretty lights you would know, right now I’m busy.”

Jack went back to pumping me, squeezing my shaft and teasing my slit. I let out a gasping shriek and set my forehead on the wall.

“John? He’s right here having the time of his life, wanna talk to him?”

Jack put the phone by my ear, I was panting, “Dave?” I asked in a moan.

“John what the fuck I left and you leave with some stranger?”

I start to cry louder and moan, but trying to keep it inside, “…John?”

“ _Dave, help me_ ,” I moan with hiccups thrown in .

I hear him clear his throat, “Where are you?”

“A..A bathroom, its locked and the guy is saying.. _ooh!.._ closed for cleaning, there is a sign on it too,” I hang my head down and Jack is kissing my neck.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask.

“Because you father got me arrested,” he says in a soothing tone.

“M-My father is a good man,” I cry.

“John, calm down-“ Dave starts tot say.

“How can I calm down when he’s touching me Dave?!” I yell into the phone.

Jack takes the phone and hangs up, putting it in my back pocket, it keeps ringing.

_Every boyfriend is the one, until otherwise proven~_

_The good are never easy, the easy never good~_

_And loving never happens like you think it really should~_

Jack places me on my knees and he undo’s his belt and grabs my hair, “You know what to do, right?”

Tears streak my face and I nod. Jack had taken me to a far sided bathroom, basically deserted and that no one would use. I grasp his dick in my hands and begin to pump him, I look away and I feel very uncomfortable. I am not experienced and I feel that if I do one little thing wrong that he will kill me.

_Every boyfriend is the one, until otherwise proven~_

_The good are never easy, the easy never good~_

_And loving never happens like you think it really should~_

I sob as Jack gets hard, he pushes my head closer to the tip and I open my mouth and take in his length.

_Every boyfriend is the one, until otherwise proven~_

_The good are never easy, the easy never good~_

_And loving never happens like you think it really should~_

I start to suck and bob my head, Jack wants me to go down further and I am deep throating him. I am gagging and I don’t like this. The ringing finally stops and Jack says to touch myself or it’ll hurt later on. He’s doesn’t care for me he only cares for money and himself.

I do what I am told because I do not want to die.

I feel his precum leak out into my mouth and then I hear it.

 _Banging on the door and my name being called_.

I yell for Dave and Jack hits me to the ground facing the door. He gets behind me and tells D.D to open the door. Dave comes bursting in and D.D hits him. Dave swings not knowing where and D.D holds Dave’s arms.

“What the hell man!? This is a kids place! What the hell kinda beef do you have with John? What-“

Dave see’s what kinda state I’m in, the blood dripping from my eyebrow and nose as I look up at him, and a huge crack along my glasses. I look away and this gets Dave all riled up, kicking and struggling.

“Ugh c’mon Jack just fuck the kid so he can tell his daddy and then get you the money or whatever.”

“Alright,” Jack snaps.

Jack holds my lower half up and he runs his hands around my cheeks, then slaps it. I cringe and Dave growls at him to stop, cursing at him.

Jack gets out a knife, then shows Dave something that really shut him up, “I’ll put this right through his head. Then you won’t have a friend, and he won’t have a father. _You really want that_?”

Dave let out a few pants through his nose and Jack goes back to what he was doing. I feel him line his cock up with my entrance and he chuckles.

“This’ll only hurt for a few kay honeybunches?”

_I want Dave to be the hero and break free from D.D’s grasp and come over and fight Jack, somehow getting out alive. Jack running away crying and then the police coming, everything turning out okay and-_

_Sheer pain._

My eyes widen and I let out a moan like scream, but then cover my mouth because Jack tells me to. He thrusts in and out and tells me how tight I am. _I know how tight I am, I am a virgin._

_In and out._

_In and out._

He claws into my hips, making marks and I think drawing blood, I cry and I can hear Dave panting. Dave is seeing me in my lowest state and worst of all, _being_ _raped_.

It’s quiet except for the moans of Jack Noir and the cries coming from me, its deathly quiet and I feel something fill up inside me with Jack’s one last thrust and moan. He pulls out and I fall over _, I am numb and nothing_.

Dave spits at him, “I called the cops not too long ago you sick fuck.”

Jack’s eyes widen and he fixes himself and takes D.D and leaves, telling me, “you’ll see more of me if you don’t get me that money.”

_I hear it, I do. But I don’t want to bother my father with it, I need to think of ways to earn it._

Dave makes sure they leave and then ruses over to me, not sure whether or not to touch me or not. He goes over to the sink and gets some paper towels and begins to clean me, repeating that he shouldn’t of left.

“Are the cops coming?” I ask.

“I never called the cops John,” Dave said, “I just wanted him out of here, we need to get you to a hospital.”

I can hear Dave crying, trying to fix me, Jack noir was right. Personally he didn’t have to break any bones for me to be broken, this was good enough.


	18. Porcelain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better. John needs to get the money for Jack, but he doesn't want to tell his father. John feel's broken and numb, thoughts running through his head.

John's P.O.V

_I am broken, I am nothing, I am numb. This is how I felt when the nurses at the hospital was taking the rape kit and examining me. Dave wanted to come in and be by my side, but I told him he needed to talk to the police man and tell him his side of the story. I felt the scope and the fingers of the nurse inside me and I quaked with fear. She said she was sorry and that it was almost over. I really wanted Dave with me, to hold my hand and pet my hair telling me it would be okay. But then I would seem more weak in this state I was already in._

_Jack Noir._

_His name was already now all over the media saying he raped a kid, reason why? Really unknown._

_The press was outside wanting to talk to me, I couldn’t deal with it. So I just cried into the nurse that was scraping my fingernails for evidence and my hips for the evidence for Jack Noir. She shushed me telling me it would be alright, I really wish I could believe that._

“Where is he?” was that Rose?

“He’ll be out in just a moment,” Said a nurse.

The nurse lingered her hand on my cheek and smiled down at me, a sad smile. I felt bad for her because she had to see me like this, because she probably had to deal with rape victims often.

“You may go in and see him now.”

Rose was almost in the door, but not until Dave pushed her out of the way, coming to my side and hugging me tightly, crying.

My eyes scanned him, and then Rose and Jade that was coming in the door. Jade’s eyes started to water up and Rose’s bottom lip quivered, looking away covering her mouth.

 _I was being pitied_.

“Rose?” I start to ask, “Where’s Kanaya?”

“O-oh, she’s dealing with the press, telling them to back off,” she takes a step closer but Jade beats her to it and Jade wraps her arms around me and sobs into my shoulder.

I have two sobbing people on me and _why do I not care?_

_Maybe because they don’t understand that I have to get the money for Jack Noir before he attempts to kill me?_

_Maybe because my virginity was forcibly taken from me?_

_Maybe because, I wanted to do it with the person I loved?_

_It doesn’t matter anymore anyway._

With one hand I pet Jade’s head, the other I pet Dave’s. I smile sadly and shoosh them both. I kiss Jade’s head and then Dave’s.

_I am nothing._

_Broken._

_Like a broken porcelain doll, waiting to never be fixed._

_But perhaps if I am fixed there will be a huge fucking gashing scar across me._

_Something was taken from me that cannot be returned, was it okay? Not really. But I had to accept it, I had to get over it, I had to.._

Tears welled over as I smiled nuzzling my head into both of my friends, Rose came over and sobbed with us. Kanaya finally entered panting, and saw us. Her breathing hitched and closed the door, leaving us to sob in peace.

I had to stay a full forty eight hour watch, because of Jack Noir reasons and press reasons until things died down. The press didn’t know my name and didn’t know what I looked like, so it was okay. After the forty eight hour watch I threw on the hoodie, _Dave’s_ hoodie and asked for some scrub pants and asked them to either incinerate my pants or put them in acid.

The great thing about the two nurses I had to do the rape kit, was when they saw my collage of cuts, they kept quiet about it. I told them I wouldn’t stop even if they baker acted me. One said _, I used to cut too, until I found my partner_ , she pulled the other nurse close and kissed her cheek, _she was there for me all the way, you’ll find that one person to make you believe you are worth it to stop_.

Dave was there, Dave was always there until they kicked him out, he was there with me in the back of the building with the pants with the ice cream stains and the semen stains on it. Mine and Jack Noir’s. The two nurses took five minutes out of their day and pay to do the thing with me, to watch my pants _burn_.

They poured lighter fluid all over it and set it on the ground, lighting a match and throwing it on the pants, it bursting up in flames. The two turned to me writing on my arms their numbers.

 _Feferi and Nepeta_.

I smiled and thanked them, Dave turned to me, he still looked crushed, “I would take you on my bike but, um, I don’t want to do that.”

That was a good choice, Jack probably bruised me because it was very hard to walk. I went over to Dave and set my forehead on his shoulder, “It’s alright Dave, Rose’ll come alright? You can come and hang out over the apartment if you want.”

“I-Is that alright?”

“Mhm.”

“C’mon guys, we gotta get you back inside for discharge,” said Nepeta motioning to me to sit in the wheelchair.

I nod and sit in the wheelchair as Feferi pours water over what’s left of the pants. I sigh and am wheeled back inside to the front to where Rose is checking me out. I smile at her and she is walking with Dave next to me as I am wheeled out the front.

 _Snap_.

 _Flash_.

My heart goes down the tubes and I look to see a photographer with a camera smiling at the picture he just took, “Easy $300 bucks.”

Dave grimaces and goes over to him, taking the camera right off his neck and slamming it to the floor stomping on it, the guy with the purple streak in his hair stares wide eyed as he is now being taken by the collar of his V-neck by Dave’s fist and pleading not to be hurt.

“Pl-Please! Someone hired me! I just needed the money!” he pleaded.

“Eridan,” Feferi said, in a huff “I am disappointed in you. Dave you can let him go, he really just needed the money.”

Dave lets go, “Next time? It’ll be your face, and that’s a fucking promise.”

The guy named Eridan looks at me and mouths _sorry_ , I look at him and smile, mouthing, _it’s okay_. This shocks him and he leaves. Feferi pouts and she pushes me to Rose’s car, “Sorry about that, Eridan is in desperate need of money for his camera equipment as a photographer, even though his parents are wealthy, I’ll talk to him about not taking pictures of you.”

Feferi helps me into the passenger seat and I smile at her, “Thank, I’ll talk to you later okay?”

“Okay!”

“Bye!” Nepeta and Feferi both say.

Rose gets in the driver’s seat and we both buckle up, she starts to drive and halfway to the apartment she notices Dave tail gating behind her, “What’s he doing?”

“Dave? I told him he could come over.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I said he could Rose, he’s my friend.”

“He got you into this mess, if you hadn’t had gone to Santa’s enchanted forest then you would have never have gotton raped,” I see her tears start to come to her eyes and I sigh looking out the window.

“Jack wants thirty thousand dollars from my father, he would of found me anyways,” I say.

She jerks to a stop at a red light, slamming her fist on the steering wheel, “Do not talk like that John!”

“I can talk however I please _Rose_.”

Tears well over down her cheeks, “What has gotten _into_ you?”

I am silent for a moment, “ _Hell_ , that’s _what_.”


	19. A Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets a job where Karkat works, daily life through that spectrum.

John’s P.O.V

It’s 5:09AM on a Monday morning and I made Rose cry on Saturday, Dave hung out with me in my room and I just cuddled him, laying in his chest with his arms wrapped around me, for hours. I’m supposed to be at college in a few hours, but I cannot think straight, so what have I’ve been doing?

**_ Cut. _ **

**_ Cut. _ **

**_ Cut. _ **

It makes me feel better, which is sad I know. I don’t want to call Dave even though he said on Saturday, kissing my forehead _to call him if I have bad thoughts of hurting myself._ I call Nepeta instead, the one who had the scars from previous cuts until she found her partner Feferi.

“Hello?” she answers a bit tired like.

“Hi Nepeta, it’s John, sorry for waking you.”

“No it’s alright, lemme just wake up okay?”

“Sure.”

She yawns cutely and I can hear her making stretching sounds, she coughs and takes in a deep breath, “Hi again,” a giggle, “So, how are you?”

“Well, not really good, I’ve been cutting.”

“..Ah.”

“Yeah..”

“Well, how deep are the cuts?”

“Not gashes or anything, just um, a little bit more than cat scratches?”

“Oh MhmKay, well, do you disinfect them?”

“No not really.”

“Bad john, they’ll get infected that way and then you’ll have to visit me again, then you’ll have to get treatment and you won’t like the treatment.”

“Should I start disinfecting them?”

“Yes, I can give you stuff to clean them with. But I know you won’t stop so it’ll be like a solution type thing, but other than that, is your lower half feeling a bit better?”

“It’s only been a day so I was told by my roommates to stay in bed but I have to go look for a job.”

“In your condition? I’d wait a week.”

“I need money now.”

“I can give you some money.”

“ _Loan_ or..?”

“ _Give_ , as in _not_ a _loan_. I know your situation, I would tell your father John.”

“No. but thank you for telling me you would give me some money, um, not to be greedy but how much?”

“About four hundred.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Where can I get a job, do you know any place that is hiring?”

“Hm, only places are fast food places and restaurants.”

I think back to Karkat, “I’ll call you later okay Nepeta, can we meet later today?”

“On my break sure, oh, Feferi says she would like to see you too.”

“Alright, I’ll see you later then I’ll call you okay?”

“Okay! Bye!”

“Bye.”

I hang up and call Karkat who when answers fumbles around for the phone, “What do you want?”

“Karakt, is Olive Garden hiring?”

“What the fu- that’s the only reason why you called? No _Hi_? No, _lets hang out Karkat_? You totally blew me off to hang out with the other guy, nice move there _Egderp_ , I mean what kind of person-“

“Karkat,” I sob, “This is a matter of life and death, is Olive Garden hiring?”

Karkat shuts up and his tone is more softer, “No.”

My heart droped, “Okay I’ll go im sorry for bothering you.”

“Wait,” he says.

I wait and am silent.

“They are not hiring, but I can get you in if you want a job, just be there today with a resume of your shit and yeah, I’ll get you a job if you really need one.”

 _I break into tears_.

I can hear Karkat freaking out cursing and asking what’s wrong, I am thanking him through my sobs and rocking back and forth, asking him what time I should be there.

“Um, oh fuck, shit. Right you don’t have a car, I’ll pick you up okay when I start my shift okay?”

“Al-Alright.”

“Shit man, what happened?”

“Jack Noir,” I sob.

“Fuck, that’s was you that got-“

“ _Yes_ , don’t say it.”

“Okay, hey, I’m here. Um, I know you don’t really know me and shit you know? But I can always be a shoulder to cry on, I went through abusive things and shit, so yeah.”

“Thanks Karkat,” I sniffle and clear my throat.

“Do you want to talk for a little while?” he asks.

I smile, “Yeah.”

_I tell him that I cut myself, I tell him that I feel like I’m nothing and that I’m numb and that I feel like I’m becoming another person in such a way. I tell him it’s hard to walk. I tell him about how Dave and I kissed and did things. I pour out my whole feelings to this guy on the other end and sob to him, I tell him about my confused feelings on homosexuality and how I never want to touch myself again. I tell him things I would never even think and I even tell him that he’s cute when he’s angry. I tell him I need money because I’m so paranoid that Jack’s going to strangle me in my sleep. I tell him personal things and this brings Karkat and I closer, closer than I am to Dave._

_And this scares me._

We talk on the phone until 8:35AM whe n Karkat says he needs to get ready to go into work, he says he’ll come pick me up and I give him the address to the apartment and the key number.

I get out of bed and shuffle to Rose and Kanaya’s room and tap lightly on it, “Rose? I’m sorry. I’m not myself. And you have to understand that. I’m going to an interview. I’ll be back later.”

Kanaya opens the door and smiles softly, looking at me, “Alright, I’ll tell her.”

I nod and shuffle downstairs to the kitchen and make myself something to eat. Eggs with OJ. I don’t want to sit because it fucking hurts. I go over to the window and look out of it.

_By the gates I see someone._

_How the fuck does he know?_

_Know where I live?_

_Jack Noir._

_Jack Noir is standing out of the gates looking at me dead in the eye with his one good one._

_Jack Noir makes the cash now symbol with the tips of his fingertips and I start hyperventilating, telling myself to calm down._

_I need to tell him though, that he’ll get the money, so I need to face him._

I calm down and set down my food and OJ, going outside and seeing Jack Noir, I cannot look at him, he scares me too much. I shuffle over to the gates and at least the gates are protecting me. I stand about a few feet away from him that is leaning on the gates and he smirks.

“Did I leave a mark?”

I don’t answer.

“Hm, by the way you’re walking, I guess it’s a yes.”

Tears well in my eyes, I don’t want to deal with this, “Ja..”

“Ja..”

 _The name won’t come out_.

“Yes?” he chuckles.

“You will get your money, but I need time.”

“I can be patient.”

“I’m getting a job.”

“Good for you, but if you really want to make some quick dough, _sell yourself_.”

I look up at him, wanting to yell at him, but I see him pierce through me and I look away.

“Just a suggesting, sell yourself before you lose your tightness,” he chuckles, “I’ll be back every two weeks here at the same spot at 4AM on every Saturday, happy hunting.”

He leaves and I leave with a pant back to my apartment, I close the door and want to cry but I know I need to keep myself together in order for this interview. I eat the rest of my eggs and drink the rest of my OJ and go upstairs, hooking my laptop to the printer and printing out my Resume and getting dressed in a white dress shirt and black slacks.

I wait until Karkat shows up and knocks on my door, I open it for him and smile at him. He wraps his arms around me and I am stunned.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi..”

He hugs me tightly and I rest my chin on top of his head, our little powwow in the early morning has made us closer than ever. Karkat pulls away and his face his red, I ask him what’s wrong and he looks away.

“I want to beat up Jack Noir,” Karkat is cute.

I smile and kiss the top of his head, “It’s quite alright, you don’t have to do that for me. Just take me to Olive Garden okay? I really need this job okay? This’ll help me with paying off Jack.”

Karkat nods and nuzzles into my chest, “I’ll tell them you had surgery or something that’s why you’re walking funny.”

I nod and Karkat and I leave, Karkat helping me down the stairs and to his car. We both get in his red Nissan shit box and he drives to Olive Garden, parking in the employee parking space. We get out and Karkat clocks in, going over to his boss and telling him that I need a job.

I hand the boss my resume and he scans it.

_Silver chord? Impressive. In college unlike Karakt, impressive. It’s sweet that Karkat wants to give you a Job, but we’re not hiring, unless you can convince me that you really need this job, I’m not going to hire you._

I sigh, _why must everyone know my business? The world now a days is cruel._

“The kid that got raped that everyone is talking about me, My name is John and I need a job okay? My father needs some money and plus I need to pay rent.”

_A lie, a white lie. But I don’t want to tell him the whole truth, to pay off a nasty thug? Yeah no._

The guys eyes widen and he shakes my hand, “Welcome to the team John.”

I go back and get changed into something spare that they have, sighing as Karkat is going to teach me the basics.

_Every boyfriend is the one, until otherwise proven~_

_The good are never easy, the easy never good~_

_And loving never happens like you think it really should~_

I take my phone from my pocket and see it’s Dave, “Is it something you need to take?” Karkat asks, I look at it and shake my head putting it on silent.

“No.”


	20. A choice for a lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's P.O.V. Thing's get intresting, yet sad.

Karkat’s P.O.V

-

_Two weeks after John got his first paycheck I smiled at him and said “What do you want to spend it on?” John looked away and tears started to well up and he pushed his head in his hands, sobbing. We were in the back of Olive Garden, John always went with me when I went on my smoke break._

_Shit._

_Fuck._

_Stop it Karkat._

_I looked at him, my cancer stick burning in front of me, “I..Im sorry John.”_

_He wiped his eyes and looked at me, “It’s alright Karkat, it’s just..”_

_A sniffle, “Four hundred and thirty bucks is great, but plus the other four hundred from Nepeta, eight hundred and thirty dollars is only the start of my life in debt to this guy who will threaten to kill me.”_

_I scoot close to him, tossing my cigarette to the floor and squishing it out with my foot, I wrap my arms around him, “Hey, Hey, it’s okay.”_

_John buries his head in my chest and I pet his hair, “You’ll get more money okay? Just watch okay? I’ll give you my paycheck even.”_

_“No, you need it for where you live,” he sobbed._

_“I..I..I don’t know how to comfort you,” I feel awful._

_“Maybe I’ll do what Jack said,” John mumbles._

_“What’s that?”_

_“Sell myself while my tightness still lasts.”_

_My breathing hitches and I hold John tighter, my jaw clenches and I take in a breath._

_“John, don’t do it with people you don’t know. Do it with me, you know me and I don’t have any STD’s.”_

_He looks up, “What?”_

_“If you are serious about that, selling yourself, I have some money stored away and you can have that, I can buy you for your time, it’ll help.”_

_“Kark-“_

_I set my forehead to his and then kiss him softly, not wanting to scare him. My lips tasted like strawberry smoke and I could feel John take in the kiss. I pull away and look him in his averting eyes, “Let me help, please, you’re my friend.”_

_I see John’s blush and he nods._

This is how we end up at my apartment after work, it is twelve midnight and I am pushing John up against the door of my bedroom, feeling his soft ivory skin. He is tense and I would expect that of a person who had just gotten raped. I open the bedroom door and my room is messy, I say _Excuse the mess_ and John nods.

John and I sit on the futon and I put it down for us. John twiddles his thumbs and looks into his lap. I scoot next to him and he looks tense and is tense. I tell him to _relax_ and he nods, I tell him to close his eyes as I’m touching him, he does and I remove his vest and unbutton his dress shirt.

_Every boyfriend is the one, until otherwise proven~_

_The good are never easy, the easy never good~_

_And loving never happens like you think it really should~_

I take his phone and see it’s Dave, I grimace and John asks who it is. I delete the call and turn off the phone and smile, “It’s one of your roommates.”

I gently push John onto the bed and straddle him, kissing him in various places, leaving hickeys and I scratch harshly at his chest.

“Ah-Ah Karkat, not too hard okay?”

I nod, “But remember I _am_ paying for this okay?”

John nods and grasps the sheets with his hands. I leave big purple hickeys all over him, his neck, is the most preferred target. But I also leave them on his chest and ribs too. I bring my mouth to his nipples and begin to softly chew on them. I hear John toss and turn and squeal with pleasure and this is making me aroused and I want _more_.

I tug at John’s pants and start to unbutton and unzip them, pulling them down and off John. John has his fist up by his mouth and only God knows what he is thinking. I pull off his boxers and look at John in all of his glory, his cute stance and how he is getting hard. My own pants are tightening and I go to take off my own items of clothing.

I am naked like the day I was born and fully hard, I lean over John and tease him a bit more, listening to him for a bit more before I enter him. I am pumping him and feeling his precum leak out onto my hand, _I want inside of him now_.

I place John’s legs up over my shoulders and line up my cock with his entrance, I start to push in when John screams to stop.

“I’m sorry, stop, stop, please stop,” he cries.

“What? What’s wrong?” I ask a little annoyed, but understanding where he’s coming from.

“I can’t do it, please stop.”

 _I need this, I need John. He’s the only thing keeping me sane at the moment._ I reach under the bed and grab a box, and grab a handful of money and throw it all over John, then grab another and another. I see John look at the twenties, and the fiftiesthat fly over him with tears in his eyes.

“I’ll _pay_ for your time John, don’t you get that? I love you okay? It’s out. But you need the money and I get that. Please, I need this, and you need it too.”

Tears well in my eyes and John picks up a handful of money and sobs, lying back on the bed, looking at me, “You can do whatever you want Karkat, please.. continue.”

I placed John’s legs up with my shoulders and lined up my cock with John’s entrance, pushing inside and moaning at the tightness. _I felt sick kindof, you know? John only needed the money because of a thug, and, he was raped. I felt sick. But.. I loved him and I would do anything for the kid to come back with the goofy bucked tooth grin on his face._

_In and out._

_In and out._

I pumped John’s penis, not forgetting about it, we did this for a good five minutes before I asked John if he would ride me. He nodded and we switched positions, John lowering himself on my dick, I moaned and so did John. I scratched at John’s arms, and John threw his head back as I watch him in all of his glory pleasure me, and as I pleasured him.

_We came at the exact same moment._


	21. A new victim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It becoms a known fact that John is becoming deathly ill and terribly desperate for the cash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better.

John’s P.O.V

_I’ve become a lot more skinner, dropped about thirty pounds. But Karkat has been treating me like a princess, is the word I guess. I don’t know where he is getting all of this money, or if he is going into debt because of me. I’m getting the money, yes, but I can barely walk. Karkat is kinda rough and into some kinky stuff. Bondage mostly. He likes pouring candle wax all over me, tying me up, biting me, scratching me and leaving his mark all over me._

_But he cares for me, he says he loves me and we go out on dates I guess you could say. But are we dating? I don’t know. I think in Karkat’s mind we are, but I don’t know. I’m scared to say no we’re not, or yes we are._

_Dave._

_I haven’t heard from Dave in over a month, he hasn’t been at college or he has but he’s been transferred out of my core classes. I always see a little blonde top out of the corner of my eye, but when I go to look he’s gone._

_Is he following me?_

_Who is this?_

_I am very weak._

_I have seventeen thousand dollars already from Karkat, and it keeps on coming. I’ll do whatever he wants, I will, I need the money. I don’t want to die. But if I keep dropping pounds and not eating? I’ll die like this anyway._

I bump into a tall lanky male at the grocery and I look up with bags under my eyes, I feel like Karkat with this look since he keeps me up all night with the wall banging sex, “Sorry,” I mumble.

“Oh my gosh, you look horrible John, “the guy says.

I am confused, the guy looks familiar and knows my name, but I don’t know him, “I’m sorry mister, I don’t know you, I’m sorry I bumped into you.”

I start to walk away with my basket, kinda limping and shuffling when he grabs my arm and I let out a yowling hissing noise. He lets go and tells me he is sorry, I look at the floor and tell him it’s okay, “I’m Eridan, remember? I took that picture of you and your friend said that he would punch me in the face?” he kinda chuckles nervously.

“Oh yeah, im sorry about that, I haven’t heard from that friend in over a month. I don’t know what happened to him,” I say.

Eridan stands tall and I can see him looking me over, “John you look terrible.”

“I’ve heard worse,” my eyes are drooping close and I yawn.

“Are you tired?”

“Deathly.”

“Oh my gosh, are you done shopping?”

“Almost.”

“Well, kinda coming from a stranger you don’t really know, but you can come to my house and take a nap if you want, get some rest? When I say terrible, I mean terrible.”

I smile softly, “Okay.”

“Huh?”

“I said okay, let me just get come coffee creamer.”

“Okay.”

Eridan follows me to the freezer section and I pick out the cheapest creamer, going to the checkout lane and placing the money on the belt and getting some change, putting it away.

“You have a car?” Eridan asked.

“I walked.”

“What? You looked like you were beat up,” he sounds worried, I like this guy.

“I kinda was.”

Eridan was silent and Eridan hooked his arm within mine, “C’mon lets go to my car,” we walk at my pace, which is slow, to his car and it is a nice car, old and an antique. It was a 1949 Ford, white.

I sat in the passenger seat and buckled up, setting my head on the window. I felt my phone buzz and see it was from Rose telling me that she wanted me to go see a doctor, I replied telling her to _mind her own business and that I would be home later._

Karkat buzzed me asking me whether I wanted to come over tonight and I told him not tonight, I met someone new.

_WHAT?_

_I’m hanging out with someone right now._

_WHO?_

_It’s not important I’ll talk to you later._

_JOHN TELL ME WHO!_

I shut my phone off and started to drift off in the car until Eridan gently shook me awake, I looked around and saw a nicely white painted house. I got out and Eridan helped me up the steps and into the house.

“My room is just through here, I’ll leave you alone to sleep okay?” he started to turn away and I grabbed his sleeve, he looked at me, “yes?”

“Please sleep with me?”

Eridan blushed, “Okay.”

Eridan entered the bedroom with me and Eridan and I lay down on the bed and I lay in Eridan’s chest, Eridan wrapped a shaky arm around me and I look up at him, “Have you not held anyone recently?” I ask.

“No, I don’t do this often.”

“Oh, okay, I’m sorry if I toss and turn.”

“It’s quiet alright.”

_I close my eyes and drift off into the slumber land. Where it is Dark and I see faces of the ones I love. Crying. They tell me not to do this, but I cannot help it. They tell me to stop, but I cannot. They tell me to get help, but I do not. Down, Down I go into the tubes of drenched stench of sex and pain. Down, down I go into the stench of dirty money and touching of pleasure._

_I hate it._

_But I love it._

_I need it._

_I’m going to perish._

I awake with something poking me in my thigh, and I see that I am on Eridan. I push myself up off of Eridan and feel that it is indeed his dick that is poking me. He looks away embarrassed and I stare at him, his bottom lip quivers.

“I didn’t want to move you, you looked nice sleeping.”

I kiss him, this catches him off guard. We move our heads to the motion and swap salvia and circle our tongue around one another.

I pull away looking at him with dead, lustful eyes, “I can take care of that for a price.”

_I feel so.._

_Dirty._

_Exposed._

_Slutty._

_Like a harlot._

_Why can’t I just die from starvation? I think I’ll do that rather than be killed._

“How much?”


	22. John’s lullaby intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Money. Hospitals. Dave. Terrible things.

John's. P.O.V

_My two clients are totally different, one is totally a submissive dom, who always asks if I’m alright and If I’m having a good time. And the other one is a total dom who is into some kinky shit. These two met and fought over a schedule of who would fuck me when and where. Karkat throws in it should be more money for public sex, Eridan says he agrees but asks my opinion._

_So begins the public affairs._

_And the threesomes._

_Personally?_

_I’m literally dying inside._

_And I don’t think anyone is noticing._

_Nobody except my roommates._

_So what do they do? They throw an intervention._

_But the twist?_

_When I enter, it’s only Dave in the room._

My eyes go wide and they start to water and I start to turn out of the apartment, but Dave grabs my wrist. I let out hissing noises and Dave ignores it, throwing me onto the couch and pinning me down, getting on top of me.

I turn my head away and don’t want to look at him.

He is taking me in and is ripping off my clothes, I peek my eyes open to see my roommates in the corner watching. He tears off my hoodie, the one he gave me, and he takes in all the scars and burns, the cuts and lacerations, the hickeys and other things mostly Karkat has done but Eridan has thrown in.

“What are their names?” he growled.

“Like I’ll give them to you.”

“John, look at what they are _doing_ to you, all _this_ for money? All _this_ for a thug? Please, stop this. Look how fucking _skinny_   your becoming. Your fucking _anorexic_ ,” I could hear his voice breaking.

I shut my eyes, “Where were you for all those months?” I whisper.

Dave hiccupped, “I was getting you money to pay off Jack.”

My eyes opened, “What?”

Dave motioned for Kanaya to bring over the box, the box that had all my _disgrace_ money in it. And what did she do? _She set it on fire_.

My eyes widened and I _screamed_ for Dave to let me go, I had to save the money, but it was burning way too quickly. Dave hugged me and shushed me, telling Rose to bring over the red tin box. She did and she opened it. Brand new money all inside, not touched by human hands.

I was trembling and shaking, looking at the money, looking at all the money that was there placed neatly in the box. Stacks of it. I look up at Dave with my dead, tired eyes and he looks at me, “How much is it?”

“Thirty thousand, it’s all there, and none of it disgrace money, all brand new and from the bank,” Dave kissed my forehead and I shut my eyes, I wasn’t used to such kindness in the whole three months he had been gone.

I open my eyes and he unpins on of my hands to touch my cheek, “You look so.. scared,” he whispers.

“I am Dave,” I say.

Dave looks down at my bare chest and runs his fingers over everything that has happened to me. You can see my ribs poking through and with the hickeys and red spots from the candle wax everywhere and the whip marks, I see Dave shaking.

“I don’t want to hug you because I feel like I’ll break you.”

“You won’t break me, please, hug me Dave.”

Dave’s lower lip quivers and he rushes into the hug, I wrap my arms around him and he hugs me tightly. It hurts, but I ignore it. I hear him sniffling and I rub the back of his head softly, shh-ing him, he chuckles.

“I should be the one doing that to you.”

“It’s okay, because this is probably going to be the last time you’re going to see me,” I say with small pants.

He pulls away, but I keep him in the hug, “What? What do you mean John?”

“I’m going to die, I can feel it.”

_I could just see Dave’s eyes widen, you know? Underneath his shades. He started freaking out and pulled away franticly. I held his forearms and smiled up at him, looking at him with droopy eyes._

_“Don’t ever leave me again okay Dave?” I said, everything starting to go a little blurry._

_“Shit, stay with me John!”_

_I felt myself fall into Dave and fall into that deep hole again, you know? The one with the crying faces of the ones I loved?_

_Call 911!_

_I am!_

_Shut up I’m trying to talk!_

_Oh my god.._

_In the EMT I bet Dave rode with me because I could hear crying, male crying. In my dazed state, or whatever you would call it, I told Dave to get the money to Jack no matter what the costs, no matter if I died or not._

_Fuck that John._

_I’ll get that motherfucker arrested by the fullest extent of the fucking law._

_Such cursing in front of the EMT people?_

_I told Dave that I was sorry, he asked what for, I said, because I hated him for all those years. That I never let him in even when he was a good guy and just wanting to show me the right way to the nice pretty light._

_John._

_Don’t go towards the light._

_But Dave, it’s so pretty._

_Down into the grey feeling of floating into the abyss of darkness, but light? It’s an odd feeling. The land of almost feeling like you are literally nothing and know you are going to die because you were just running on water weight. Not eating for days and days on end, working yourself on hours and hours to get the disgrace money, having sex until you could barely stand. Was I satisfied with my life? Not really._

_But at least I got to see Dave one last time._

My eyes open to a foggy bright, florescent light. And I think, _heaven?_ I look around and I hear voices start to come into play. They are rushing around and I turn my head around to see a thin vinyl curtain, there is blood, I see blood on the person next to me.

_They are blonde and are under anesthesia._

_Something drops to the floor._

_They are glasses._

_Aviotor glasses._

_My eyes want to widen and they can’t._

_It’s Dave._

_And he’s been shot._


	23. The thread of life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to explain this chapter. Let's just say, Dave gets an awakening from being six feet under.

_How did I end up here? It’s a curious place. The place of blood loss, antiseptic and anesthesia to keep a barely hanging on person, well, hanging on. I look around in a daze from my half closed eyes formed into slits and I take in small breathes from the oxygen mask._

_Jack._

_Jack Noir._

_The bastard shot me._

_Twice in the chest._

_How did it come to this? Me barely hanging on by the thread of human existence to life? Well, John wanted me to give him the money. I did, but I did it my way._

_I knew that Jack was placed out of the gates of John’s apartment complex every two weeks at 4AM. I planned this all out, come to John’s house on the day of this, and strike Jack with all my might. After my three months of being gone, I planned this out. I have been watching._

_I have been coming back at frequent times and have watched John’s life go down the tubes. Watch him go from fairly good build, to fucking skin and bones. I know that Jack stays out there at 4AM every two weeks and now this was my chance to make things right and put that mother fucker away for life._

_I came out of the shadow’s “Yo Jack.”_

_He turned and saw the red tin box, he smiled, “Got the stuff? I guess John isn’t able to be here to give it to me, Such a shame.”_

_“Quiet and take the box.”_

_I started to walk over to him, he stood there and I knew what he had on him from the very beginning. A gun. It was the reason why I shut up when he told me to in the carnival bathroom._

_You be left without a friend, and he will be left without a father. You really want that?_

_Father with no son._

_Son with no father._

_Dave with no lover._

_I handed him the box and the siren whaled catching Jack’s attention, he looked around and the cop said:_

_Hands up in the air Jack Noir, we have you surrounded._

_Jack looked at me and pushed me away, taking the tin box and getting his gun out, shooting me twice in the chest. Jack was shot over four times_

_I fell with a smile on my face._

“God damn it! Feferi, Nepeta, turn the dials up, we’re losing him!” says a faraway doctor.

I close my eyes and feel accomplished you know? Like I have done something good, putting that no good devil away for life. I laugh and couch up blood. Nepeta wipes it away and frowns at me, telling me to hold on.

_I can’t._

_One._

The bright light takes me, embraces me in its arms and I nuzzle it with my cheek. I am glad that there is no pain anymore.

_Two._

Voices embrace me, telling me not to leave but the light says that it is time for me to come with it.

 _Three_.

I take the form of its hand and smile at it. I am wrapped in this special type of cloth, kind of like I am like being born again.

 _Four_.

The light wraps itself around me and kisses my cheek, telling me that I have done the right thing and that I may have one wish.

Five.

“I want John to be safe.”

 _Six_.

John.

 _Seven_.

John.

 _Eight_.

Fuck.

 _Nine_.

No.

 _Ten_.

I push away from the light and it asks me what’s wrong, I start to cry and say I cannot go. It says I must.

 _Eleven_.

“No, I can’t, John needs me.”

 _Twelve_.

It says I must, is that all it says? I try to float back to where I came from and I can’t find it. I am freaking out.

 _Thirteen_.

Where am I?

 _Fourteen_.

You are in heaven.

 _Fifteen_.

My eyes widen and I shake my head, the light embraces me and coos me.

 _Sixteen_.

Tears streak my face.

 _Seventeen_.

“No..”

 _Eighteen_.

It’s cooing me and I say to stop, it doesn’t and pulls at me.

 _Nineteen_.

“Stop!” I yell.

 _Twenty_.

I jerked up with a breath, light coming towards my face in all different directions, faces looking at me with scared expressions. I fell back down and rubbed my head. The doctors continued to stitch me up in one area as they took the bullet with the other tools. Everything was dizzy and I got away from the light.

_It wasn’t my time._

_John still needs me._


	24. Angels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like, it's awkward because this is under the SADSTUCK tag, but I have no clue whether or not to kill of John(spoiler) or to make it happy in the end(spoiler). UGH decisions.

John’s P.O.V

_I heard the dreadful death tone of the drone-ing sound, long and drawn out for a good twenty seconds of Dave going six feet under. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I turned my head into the antiseptic pillow. Long and drawn out, death can come so peacefully can’t it? But then leave your love ones in so much pain._

_But then I heard the breath of life._

_I looked over and saw Dave, he was alive._

_I smiled and now my tears of sadness were tears of Joy._

_He lay back down and they continued to work on him, by stitching him up and giving him oxygen through the oxygen mask. I grasped the sheets and hiccupped quietly, the work on Dave continued for about another twenty minutes before the doctor said to leave the kid alone and rest._

_It was quiet except for the sound of the heart rate monitor from Dave’s side, and mine._

“…John,” Dave said quietly.

My heart rate jerked up for about a second, and you could hear it, “Ye-Yes?”

“I want to hold.. your hand.”

Whatever was left on my face from the pale red blushing, it was obvious. I looked over at him through the vinyl sheet of plastic and hiccupped again.

“What’s wrong?” he would ask.

I shut my eyes and took in a deep breath, “I-It’s nothing.”

I pressed the red nurse button with the little nurse hat on it and Nepeta came in, asking what I needed. Dave then got her attention, “I want to be moved near John.”

“I can’t do that, you need to stay where you ar-“

“Please,” his voice breaking.

Nepeta cleared her throat and nodded, going over to Dave’s side and moving the vinyl sheet out of the way. She placed us together and Dave laced his hand with mine, I couldn’t look at him.

“John, look at me,” he said.

I shook my head, “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because, I don’t want to see you like this,” I croaked out.

Dave sat up slowly and I looked at him, worried, “Dave! You need to be lying down.”

“I’m fine,” he took off his oxygen mask and Nepeta urged him to keep it on, “I need to do this Nepeta.”

Nepeta stood by and watched. Dave moved his body so he was sitting on his side and he hovered over me, I watched him with intense wonder. His lips came closer to mine and soon they were softly brushing against mine, he put a little pressure into the kiss and soon we were just giving a casual peck on the lips.

He moved back and placed his head down on the pillow, closing his eyes and putting the oxygen mask on again. Our hands were laced tightly until Dave drifted off into sleep. I was terrified he went under again, but his heart rate monitor was fine and working.

I decided to go to sleep too, it was for the best.

_That night I dreamt of angels crossing paths with Dave’s and my path. I passed out from malnutrition, and Dave almost died and or did for twenty seconds. This angel was a light, I could not see their face. They said that it was meant to be for Dave to be alive. He was my soul mate and my best friend, we cared for each other and in turn, needed to be together._

_Was this a sign?_

Four days later I was getting better, getting the stuff I needed in my body, taking each step slowly before eating solid foods. By the fourth day I could eat a sandwich, thank god I was hungry. With this whole thing that went down, I was too nervous and filled with anxiety to eat anything, and or sleep. I passed out for a good two days, while Dave was getting treatment of his own.

_I did what you told me to do John, I gave him the money. But I did it my way._

Tears welled in my eyes and I took in a large breath, _Yeah but you died, for twenty seconds, what if you didn’t come back?_

_I would have watched over you till the very end._

I covered my mouth with my hand and let the tears fall, Dave hugged me and I asked him what it was like being six feet under. He described it in great detail. The light, the embrace, the voice. _It was like, velvet_ he said.

My emotions got the best of me, and I know that. I hate being so emotional. Dave wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his lap.

“You are as light as a feather,” he said.

I started to freak out, “I can’t be on you Dave! Your injuries.. what if I pop a stich?”

He nuzzled me softly, “You won’t, and I don’t care, I need to hold you.”

I shut my eyes, wanting to disappear, “Does dad know?” I asked.

“I’m pretty sure he does now, Jack is all over the news.”

I buried my head in Dave’s shoulder, “Am I a terrible person?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“..Because you were willing to let yourself go through what you did to get that horrible thug the money, no matter what the cost. No matter how dirty you felt afterwards and how empty.”

_My heart was aching._

“You are the strongest person I know.”

“Thank you Dave,” I whisper.

I look up at him and he looks down at me smiling, he is chuckling. “What are you chuckling for?” I ask

“I guess I’m just the hero of time, huh?” he said with a chuckle, “Fighting off the embrace of what I guess was heaven.”

I look away, “I’m glad you didn’t go.”

He nuzzled my cheek with his forehead, “Me too.”


End file.
